kape

me telling my work crush who’s name i don’t know that i’m quitting my job: it’s ok i’m just going to a sad girl farm upstate

Not sure of source but oh my god?????

The person driving in front of me probably thinks I’ve been screaming nonstop for miles but I just can’t get this yawn out

"Why didn't you text me back?"

WOW. What kind of warfare!!!??

whenever i hear someone say “my therapist said” my ears perk way up. that’s free therapy

*wakes up with a pimple* my skin: twitter.com/rihanna/status…

My four year old swatting away a bee, frantic "don't make honey on me!!!!"

I’m showing off my cool new shirt

A bad dream 4 me is being a guest on Ellen and her tryin to make me dance w her and I have to raise my voice after telling her no 7 times

Why am I still getting rick rolled twice a week in 2018

@itsmekourt Create a 2nd account

one time my neighbor said she saw me driving at lunch time while with her coworker (the coworker doesn’t know me at all) and my neighbor said “hey that’s my neighbor” and her coworker said “yeah right”

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I'm married

Me, to myself: Okay, just be cool, don't say anything weird Any woman: *says something that makes me laugh* Me, out loud: THAT'S HILARIOUS WE SHOULD BE SISTER WIVES BUT WITHOUT THE HUSBAND

I’m not going to stand here and be insulted Please let me lie down

Find a girl who can keep your house plants alive.

Me: I want to meet someone [I meet someone] Me: I want to meet someone different [I meet someone different] Me: You know what? I‘m better off alone lmao

With Mother’s Day fast approaching, it’s important to remember that my mom can beat up your mom

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours Cop: I'm not surprised with a murderer in your house Me: There was a murderer in my house?