Kevin Metzger-Timson (He/Him)

what is zohran mamdani’s plan to save death becomes her

@WhiteHouse 🤡

In a galaxy that demands strength - America stands ready. This is the way. May the 4th be with you.

One wear of these @charliebymz underwear and they are already fraying and practically unwearable. What a waste of money.

@divacelestina @niniandsantiago Saved! at Playwrights Horizons. Based on the movie.

@niniandsantiago Is that aaron tveit and celia keenan bolger??? What show is this?????

I think this might be the funniest clip on the internet I love it so much I use it all the time now

Trump is about to hit REM on camera during an Oval Office event. It's just incredible.

they look like they’re going to carry a cake across new york city

2 weeks ago, @FedEx lost a package that contained hundreds of dollars worth of tickets for a concert on Feb 2 (Tracking #888243370437). Today I received an invoice for duty taxes from October. Dear FedEx, you can fuck right off if you think I’m paying you one cent. 🖕🏼@FedExHelp

Well @StubHub and @FedEx have really shit the bed with this one. A physical ticket I purchased for a concert tomorrow night has not arrived neither party can tell me when it will arrive or what I can do about it. So I guess I just..miss the concert? Never buy through Stubhub!

@NickAdamsinUSA Also, Melania is definitely the worst First Lady we’ve ever had. “Melania’s final approval rating was 42%, and her final disapproval rating was 47%; she was the only first lady who finished with a net disapproval rating.”

@NickAdamsinUSA Things that definitely aren’t true: This. Things that definitely are true: You’re in a cult.

I am settling in for a showing of ‘Melania’ and the theater is PACKED! Earlier, a bystander asked if I was heading in to see Avatar, and I stopped dead in my tracks. “Avatar? No, son,” I curtly replied. “I don’t watch woke movies. I’m here to see the groundbreaking documentary about our incredibly talented First Lady.” The man’s two little girls began jumping up and down, pulling on his sleeve, and begging, “Daddy, we want to see Melania!” “But. But…” he stammered, “I thought you girls wanted to see Zootopia 2?” “No, no, NO,” they said, now nearly shouting. “We want to see Melania!! She is the most beautiful First Lady EVER.” Their father was scrambling, stressed out, and disoriented. “Girls, I’m afraid you aren’t the only ones who are captivated by President Trump and his beautiful wife,” I said, kneeling to get on their level. “Virtually everyone in this theater is here for the 7:30 PM showing, and it’s been sold out for days.” Tears began to well up in their eyes. “But…” I said in a hushed tone, “I happen to have a few extra tickets with me, and I’d like you and your dad to have them.” They jumped for joy and began hugging their father. He looked relieved as he wiped the sweat off his brow with a smile. I handed him the tickets and pulled him close. “Raise these girls right,” I whispered. “Teach them to be classy conservative women of faith like Melania, don’t let them become like Meghan Markle. Capisce?” He hugged me and thanked me profusely. “What are you going to do now?” He asked. “Don’t worry about me, son,” I told him, with a twinkle in my eye. “I’ve already got tickets to the next showing.”

This is comical considering the couch we ordered on Oct 12 still hasn’t arrived.

Ordered an @interiordefine couch on Oct 12. Was promised an 8-12 week delivery. Got a notification on Dec 7 that it was on its way. Since then our estimated delivery has been pushed back week by week. Currently on week 13 and being told another 2-3 weeks. #findmycouch

I’m sitting at the bar @TheSmith07 East Village, and the bartender refuses to let me order a drink for my friend who is on his way. Insanity.

This is Camp.

How gay are you? I’m “Clay Aiken starring in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” gay.

@luxurytrash_ Urinetown

Oomf and I are having a discussion: which musical(s) have a better Act 2 than Act 1?

In absolute customer service HELL with @Wayfair.

I don’t even watch this show but I’m rooting for Topanga.

Will people be raptured according to class?

*screaming into the void* IT IS A POLITICAL RALLY MEMORIALS AREN'T HELD AT STADIUMS MEMORIALS DON'T HAVE HEADLINERS SUZIE WILES IS A HEADLINING ACT IT'S A POLITICAL RALLY IT'S PROPAGANDA