Mary in haste

Bye, Elon 👋🏻

lol Rick Becker get wrecked

@OldManMarge Weirdly I had a dream like four nights ago about a ferret living in my closet so you may have some explaining to do

Necessity breeds innovation? Well I breed ferrets in my garage. Please don’t tell my roommate

let he who has never falsified business records to hide election fraud cast the first stone

@OldManMarge Typical libertarian, giving me free kindling

@marysnamehere Have you seen the amount of handouts in our mailbox??????????? Pick a lane, Becker

Rick Becker claims to be anti-handouts, but gives candy to children at parades. Which is it, Ricky?

The best move for Drake right now is to drop a line saying Kendrick is a Boeing whistleblower

Kendrick: Drake you are a pedophile and have a secret daughter Drake: I do not have a secret daughter

I thought I was a Drake hater but Kendrick has taught me that I am at most a mild disliker

The country of Colombia picked the funniest possible time to do this

@OldManMarge That’s just my parents house

@marysnamehere Post a picture of your homeschool I dare you

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

Dear God, it’s me, Mary… thehill.com/homenews/ap/ap…

OJ Simpson was allegedly killed by cancer, but I think we should probably spend a few decades looking for the real killer, instead of accepting the obvious and clear culprit

I just had to explain to my coworker from Moldova who OJ Simpson was and she was shocked when I transitioned from 143 yards per game to double homicide

what even goes on in mountain time zone

My mother, who not only said in the most whitebread way ever “did you hear that Diddy guy is in trouble with the law?” Also claimed that she remembers “when rap music was invented” and she never thought it was very good.

@OldManMarge Blessed be her name

I don’t believe in the lord but I do believe in my roommates dog Waffles

@OldManMarge Get me on to a better show please

@marysnamehere Some people’s lives are a movie. I think yours is a series of SNL sketches

Getting pulled over: 0/10 Getting pulled over while listening to F*ck Tha Police: 8/10 The cop pulling you over going, “oh I love this song”: -100/10