Parra Matt

@JayD1313 •Why are calendar puns so bad? Because they are always so weak and dated. •Calendars are becoming obsolete. In fact, I think their days are numbered. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

I just can't believe that I got the sack from the Calendar factory after all the extra days I put in.

@JayD1313 •My wife suggested that we should share our bed with our pets. I finally gave in. After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down. •Why do dinosaurs make bad pets? Because they’re all dead. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

I’ve had a terrible week. Learning that the authorities had my pet lion taken away, that was the last roar.

@JayD1313 •How rich are garbos? Filthy. •Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better. I don't have thyme for that rubbish. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

Did you know there’s no official training for a garbage collector? They just pick it up as they go along.

@JayD1313 •When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that to Texas, it's a huuuge contribution. •Why do mice have small balls? Because they don’t know how to dance. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

Never solve math problems for short people. Make the little things count.

@JayD1313 Happy your mum had a good time. Shame it was the wrong result though! 😖💙💛

Hoping for a Wests Tigers win for my dear old Mum today

@JayD1313 •Why can't cows do ballet? Because they lactose. •Why did the dinner roll and her friends go to so many ballet recitals? Because they were in abundance. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

I went to a ballet last night. All those women dancing on their tip-toes. Made me wonder why they didn't just find taller women.

@RavenZech2 That is such good news! 👏🏼🤙🏼

I have half my studio back WOOHOO!!

@JayD1313 •What's the secret to telling a good postie joke? It's all in the delivery. •Don't upset your Postie. He knows where you live. •What does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs? Hip hop.🐣 #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

2 postmen got jailed yesterday for stealing a calendar. They got 6 months each.

The Parramatta Eels are deeply saddened to hear of the passing of former player, Life Member and Parramatta Eels Hall of Fame inductee, Neville Glover OAM. We extend our condolences to Neville's family and friends in this difficult time. Forever Eel #340 Read more: eels.co/4m7n5zr

@RavenZech2 🤦🏻‍♂️

Does anyone remember those gift cards I had the time from hell activating? I FINALLY managed to get them activated and set a pin and guess what - they still don’t fucking work 🤬🤬🤬🤬

@JayD1313 🥳😂

As if last night wasn’t a sign of Storm’s poor defence, remember they conceded 20 against this inept St George attack that offers nothing… #NRLDragonsCowboys

@JayD1313 •2 fish in a tank, 1 turns to the other & asks "How do you drive this thing?" •What contaminated the fish tank? Baby shark doo doo doo doo dooo. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

I don’t know why staring at fish in a tank is so comforting? Must be the In-door-fins.

The White House deleted this embarrassing video. So whatever you do- * DON'T REPOST IT. * Donald wouldn't like it if you hit "repost." Trump: We can't take care of daycare. We're a big country. We're fighting wars. It's not possible for us to take care of daycare, Medicaid, Medicare, all these things.

@JayD1313 •Where do duck farts come from? Their buttquacks. •What do you say when a dinosaur farts? A blast from the past. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

I know a teacher who says she has never farted in public. She’s a private tutor.

Labor, the Coalition and One Nation all just voted against an amendment I put up to call on the Government to get a fair deal on the sale and export of Australian gas by instituting a 25 per cent tax on LNG export revenue, which is estimated to generate $17 billion a year. They're running a protection racket for the gas industry rather than standing up for Aussies. *Senators Lambie, Payman and Thorpe were unable to attend the vote for personal reasons.

@JamesLucasIT Are you barking mad?! 😂🐾

A hilarious April fools video made by the police

@JayD1313 •Remember when plastic surgery was taboo? Now you mention Botox and no one rises an eyebrow. •2 different doctors worked on my knee surgery. It was a joint operation. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

Just want to say that since I had surgery on my neck I have never looked back.

@JayD1313 •Have you heard of the guy who bragged about how he ate his clone? He's just so full of himself. •What did Han Solo name his clone? Han Duo. #IStandWithJay #BringBackJokeOfTheDay @AndrewVossy @thatjimmysmith @JoelCaine

My cloning experiments finally paid off. I'm so excited, I'm beside myself.