John Nichols

@saturdaycontest @damnfinetweet I married late because I supposedly wasn’t “Mature enough.” Now, over 30 years later, my wife says it’s an Asymptotic Curve. Heh heh...Ass...heh heh...

GOP to quietly move Matt Gaetz to a new parish.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

The number one rule of Fart Club is no gaslighting

@WriteEditPJ Letterkenny

@ArtCandee Double Indemnity

I'm on an old black and white movie kick. What's your favorite classic film?

Gaetz entering mysteriously empty Senate confirmation hearing when Chris Hansen walks in

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Sequels usually suck, but, well, all of us at @IndivisibleTeam are pretty proud of this one—a brand new Indivisible Guide for Trump 2.0: indivisible.org/guide

When asked why he appointed Matt Gaetz to the position of Attorney General, the president elect said, “well, my people tell me that the great Charles Manson is unavailable.”

@BenGriecoSports True. I mean, sometimes Coach drove the bus, but we didn’t pay.

nor covered a team that had to worry about all the extra costs associated with a program. Yes, there were booster clubs to help small things (apparel, team meals before big competitions, etc.), but everything else was fronted by the school district. This causes a lot ...

Football isn't the only sport to deal with this, obviously, but I'm still amazed at the fact of what high school sports have to deal with down here as far as finances, etc. Please someone tell me if I'm wrong, but never - NEVER - was I on a team in HS back in New York ...

I got fired from my job, because I kept asking customers whether they’d prefer “smoking”, or “non-smoking”. Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”.

Me: I'm having a really good day except for newpussycat Friend: What's newpussycat? Me: WHOA A WHOA WHOA OOOH

@citizenkawala Describe it to us. Slowly…

I feel bad that none of you will ever know how good I smell.

Omg 😭

🚨NEW: Senator Elizabeth Warren has called on Senate Democrats to confirm a flurry of federal judges and regulators prior to Republicans retaking the majority. RETWEET if you agree with @SenWarren!

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS? Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast? N: Yes? M: I can't do that.

It’s his time

In 2008, David Sedaris wrote about the mysterious segment of the electorate known as undecided voters. “I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?” newyorkermag.visitlink.me/u3mNok