Tiff Tiff Tifferoo

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said "give me all your money!" Then she turned around and said "you look broke, I'll try another house" as she promptly walked away.

@schumoo @Quartzjixler I knew your name was Steven.

I look up from eating my cereal and am startled to see a picture of missing 8 year old me on the milk carton.

“A lot of people are saying the Smurfs are gay. I wouldn’t know. Is it Smurfs or Smurves? Marco, do you know? Smurfs or Smurves? Anyway Smurfette was hot. Wasn’t she hot? Gargamel was the bad guy on that show. That’s what’s going on with Iran right now. A lot of Gargamels.”

Imagine your kids being so unruly on a plane that you have to pre-apologize to other passengers with some free earbuds and a cutesy note like it's the world's job to adapt to you. 🫩 Anyways..do you think the same goes for hotels? And would you do one per room or one per guest??

@raincoatworms Ok that changes things.

Imagine winning an all-expenses paid trip but it’s to Chicago.

"This is from the both of us" - my parents giving me mental illness

@JustRadEnough @wffleballhelmet How do I get one?

I looked up my symptoms on WebMd and I am convinced I have a tapeworm.

@mistowho @Wook316 I don't even smoke, but you just made me yearn for an ice cold diet, a pack of Virginia slims and a patchwork leather cigarette pouch like I've never yearned before.

Diet Coke is a fridge cigarette

At a kids STEM festival and I forgot to switch to my Reeboks before I got out of the car. Millennial aged professor in the elevator told me "You're good - it's giving a socks and sandals day anyway!" So #winning?

I mean unless it starts losing air again and then I'll be doing exactly the opposite. I'm 95% positive I got a good seal on the plug.

Just fixed this myself, so I'm going to be riding this high all day.

In case you wondered how Juni is doing now. 3 years after brain surgery and no tumor regrowth. She is excelling in every area except listening to directions when she'd rather not. She is the most amazing thing ever.

My beautiful baby niece J was just released from a short hospital stay due to focal seizures. Please send positive vibrations and thoughts of glowing health her way.

What if every time you took a train somewhere a guy with a handlebar mustache got murdered and you had to figure out who did it before they let you off

If I disappear from time to time it's only because this avoidance method got boring or too hard so I switched to a different method like candy crush or telling myself I'll never be good at anything again so I should just go back to bed and pretend my phone is lost. I'll be back.

“you’re so quiet” thanks i want to go home

@blade_funner @DestryBrod You stopped doing this? Were we all supposed to stop doing this??

When we were kids, why did we always violently insist we weren’t falling asleep when we were clearly falling asleep?

ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

taking a break from my mental health to focus on substance abuse

The ADHD hyperfocus crash is brutal. You wake up on a random Tuesday, and the obsession that literally gave you the will to live for the last three weeks suddenly provides zero dopamine. Now you just have a $300 pile of supplies and a profound sense of emptiness.