Matt Garcia

How is @steak_umm not on this list?

@Whatevah_Amy OH MY GOD! That jerk kid from the movie Snow Day knew it the whole time. Shampoo is the impostor.

I was today years old when I learned that Shamu actually died in 1971. Who are these imposters we’ve been calling Shamu at SeaWorld!?

@Whatevah_Amy I HATE WHEN THEY DO THAT!

They rearranged the grocery store again so I guess these are my weekend plans now.

@musk_news13 Yes

@Whatevah_Amy More like Fembot. Yeah baby!

Sometimes I wonder how many accounts think I’m a porn bot when I legit just like their posts.

@Whatevah_Amy Ain’t nothing like having an 8 hour day that coulda been an email. Happy Birthday.

@Whatevah_Amy Well, then when is a good time to message you? Asking for a friend 🤣

Yes I run all my social media pages myself. That’s why I’m not answering your messages at 3am I’m asleep! If you want 24 hour attention I can direct you to a creator who has a paid team running theirs… 🤔

@LangmanVince She called it. It was a landslide defeat.

Crazy liberal Dolton Illinois mayor Tiffany Henyard lost her primary by 80 points last night 🤣

@Whatevah_Amy Doc: Whatevah

Dr: you should be eating 80 grams of protein a day. How much are you eating? Me: 4 Dr: 40 grams? Me: no probably just 4 Dr: Me: Dr: Me: I’ll work on it, Doc.

@Whatevah_Amy DOOOOO IT! DOOOOO IT! DOOOOO IT!

The oven cleaning hack I got off instagram didn’t work at all. I’m about to find that page and report it for abuse.

@JessicaLRohlik Heck yeah. Those wins were EPIC 🤘🏽

Man, this field is lucky that MK isn’t still racing because that dude and rain delayed D500’s worked out REEEEALLY well! 🎉🏁💗

@WaffleHouse I wish I had a Waffle House

surviving valentines season as a single person is a lot easier when you have waffle house

My body is comprised of pasta, cheese and silicone.

@Whatevah_Amy The answer depends on if you thought said cop who was half your age who helped you was hot.

Not sure which was more mortifying- the panic attack I had on the side of the highway or having to show my hideous drivers license pic to the cop half my age who helped me.

@Whatevah_Amy You said bangers 🤭

They’re just not making bangers like the Thong Song anymore

@Whatevah_Amy RELEASE THE FILES!

My Ring cameras aren’t for security. They’re just recordings of me walking home drunk from my neighbors house.

@Whatevah_Amy They wouldn’t let you change it due to a major life event? Jerks

When it came time to choose my uniform number in college, I lovingly picked the same number my boyfriend wore, who played lacrosse. Then he dumped me and I had to wear that same number and be reminded of the guy who stomped on my heart for the next 3 years. 😭

@ChrisOwens62 I have contacted my ISP after service interruption and have received credit for the outage.

Do people ask for refunds when their power goes out? How bout when their cable or internet goes out? Shit happens, it sucks, but to always expect 100% uptime leaves you open to a letdown. FYI 100% uptime is never guaranteed.

Apparently I need a life 🤣 Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

@Whatevah_Amy That Burt brownie was THE BEST

Growing up my mother was a fabulous cook, yet we thought the biggest treat ever was a tv dinner with the burnt brownie in the middle.