Joe

Girl, you’ve got the face of an aardvark. Maybe sit this one out with your political views.

You’d be a lot cuter if you had coffee.

My ducks aren’t in a row, they’re not even related.

Autocorrect changed sex tape to mix tape, so looks like I’ll be masturbating to the sweet sounds of Taylor, Alanis, and Adele… this could take a while.

Put a penny in your mouth and we'll call it copper head.

I’m out of chocolate milk and that’s a real concern.

I absolutely will judge someone by what they name their dog.

Easter had us wearing a bonnet like we were headed to church in 1892.

the only thing better than a bacon cheeseburger is a bacon cheeseburger calzone.

Have you ever met someone with a standing desk that you didn't want to slap at least once?

"Whose pussy is this?" is actually a pretty common question down at the Fleshlight factory.

Daily affirmation: You’re not the best looking but also not the ugliest.

I don't care what the stripper told you, Google Search is not a substitute for an education.

Older men don’t care about your wrinkles, they wanna know about the flexibility of your personality and your holes.

Being thin is sexy. Being thick is sexy. Being the human vessel for a 6000 year demon is sexy.

Welcome to your 40s, where everyone you know is either married, divorced, or on a CPAP machine.

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. ~Alice Walker

I say “I’m not a spring chicken anymore“ a lot, given the fact I’ve never actually been a spring chicken.

I knew you were hacked when you asked me how I was doing.

What Twitter really needs is a button that mass blocks people who have virtue signaling "flags du jour" in their bios.

If you joined this app when it was called X, please do not refer to yourself as OG.