Dagmar Waller

Right then here goes... ANNUAL RANT ALERT!! Triggered by adverts and TV chefs😠😠 Christmas Dinner.... I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs... It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!! We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not! Here goes... 1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over it’s cooked! 2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs,pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if thats what he spends to make stuffing!) What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking 😉. 3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one aswell.... Gravy granules Jamie.... All you need is gravy granules! I ( nor any other woman I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy 😠😠😠 4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough! 5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same 😉. 6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl! (oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!) 7. Family.... Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace! Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc. And Finally..... NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!! Rant over 😂 Merry feckin Christmas!

@jdpoc 🤣🤣🤣

I still think this might be the greatest thing on Twitter, ever.

@pacrabtree Of course!!!

@scarymum Sorry "occasional" trying to fit my forecast into a tweet. You were unlucky this morning catching that extended shower, remained dry down here.

It's a cool cloudy start, sign of a shower overnight. OCC showers possible this morning with a few brighter spells. Hopefully a dry afternoon. Maximum temperature 17°c. Friday and the weekend looking warmer and dry. #Brampton #Cumbria

Arrived today-a proof of my next book, out in September, this time with its final cover(thanks, @doubledaybooks - it's beautiful) & some blush-making reviews. So I thought it would be nice to give it away. I'll pick a random winner from anyone who gives this a RT by 6pm Friday.

I’m not saying it’s rained a lot but I just found a note in a bottle and it said ‘HELP! PIGLET (ME)’

It's so exciting. Walking into a public building because you know it's time to make a change. You make your choice, show your card and hope you've made the right decision though you won't really know until later. ❎️ It's always great changing your books at the library. 📚

@itisimplicit But free coffee...

Why isn’t this taught at school? How is this a secret? twitter.com/MadisonKittay/…

Terrible portents came about over the land of Northumbria and miserably frightened the people. These were immense flashes of lightning, and fiery dragons were seen flying in the air. Anglo-Saxon Chronicle, AD 793. iflscience.com/noaa-issues-wa…

"Every tree has its enemy, few have an advocate. In all my works I take the part of trees against all their enemies." JRR Tolkien. #SaturdayThoughts 🌿

@SophieBays @Baystastic @BritDataAwards Oh well done! Many congrats @SophieBays

Incredibly proud for @baystastic to receive this award👇🎉 🏆Analytics Company of the Year 🏆 @BritDataAwards #BDA24 #Analytis #datascience #smallbusiness

Horsforth harbour.. sorry, I mean train station in Leeds following torrential downpours today ⛈️

How do men find things when they live alone?

Pandas just being pandas while a zookeeper desperately tries to rake leaves is the best video on the internet

a short poem name like when we meet a bovine and we say 'hi coo' #HaikuPoetryDay

So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to carry this baby for 9 months, feed it every 3 hours, take care of it constantly until it becomes an extension of me and then one day I’m just supposed to let them go off into the big world by themselves and hope they text occasionally?