Simon Long

Context is important. I've spent the evening laughing at aids, paedophilia, and Caitlyn Jenner's big cock. Thank you @rickygervais #Humanity

@metoffice Everything has to be a franchise nowadays. Who asked for the weather-verse?! Who wanted a prequel to Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs?!

The first trailer for ‘Pressure’ is here, the film which tells the story of the most important weather forecast; the D-Day forecast. Andrew Scott stars as Group Captain James Stagg – the Met Office meteorologist tasked with delivering the weather forecast and helping shape D-Day's plans. In cinemas 9 September. #pressuremovie @StudiocanalUK

@Parody_PM Surely I have to run against this guy

Alexa, what does a young fascist virgin look like?

@HQNewsNow Which is which?

Melania Trump enters the room with a robot

“You’ll never sing that”

👇🏻 this guy is really funny, people should follow him.

@PolitlcsUK Brittin Broadcasting Corporation

🚨 NEW: Former Google executive Matt Brittin has been confirmed as the new Director General of the BBC

@reformparty_uk I fucking hope not

Nigel Farage is coming to a town near you on this campaign. 📸

@kingpminch Sobble please, if my king hasn’t already been claimed

I'm gonna prove something. I have a Google Doc of every single Pokémon, from 1-1025. COMMENT YOUR FAVORITE and I'll add your name until we've found someone who likes every single one!

@FrancisChipp There’s always a cheap copy

LOCK UP YOUR HORSES, ITS DERBY DAY !

@keatonhorrocks1 ATP 500? Nah, this is Grand Slam level shit!

matt weston greatest man on the earth. 3 john smiths 28.82 seconds. beat that. #bwfc #worldrecord

Brunoooooo

@ObamaFoundation @BarackObama Has that fly returned looking for revenge?

👀 Any guesses, fam?

@GWRHelp Thanks John. Didn’t ask about the timetable, just want some new carriages

@slong5 Hi there. Many factors need to be taken into consideration when deciding the timetable. It's regularly reviewed so if there is demand and it's operationally possible this would be looked at. - John

@GWRHelp Yo! The carriages on your Bristol to London Paddington line are class! When is the Bristol to Southampton line going to get the same treatment?

UCL admin recognising the goat. Again. 👏🏻👏🏻 #nufc #UCL

Barca celebrating a draw? They’ve fallen off #nufc #ucl

UCL admin knows a goat when they see one #nufc

@FrancisChipp Can you confirm that reports of City coming in for Tino are because Eddie is against him calling himself Livrament’oreo?

EXCLUSIVE🚨: Newcastle United boss Eddie Howe admitted ahead of tomorrow nights Champions League round of 16 clash with Barcelona that he isn't a fan of Oreos or anything Oreo flavoured. On the pitch, Tino Livramento is set to return to the starting 11 after missing the last 15 games through injury.

Update: bought an elite tier Peach Iced Tea

Full head loss over a wank peach iced tea #FirstWorldProblems

I hope Marna goes out of business

Sort out your peach iced tea, London! Absolute wank