Bashir Ademola retweetledi
I asked one of my married friends (though older) this question after I visited him and his wife in their UK home. We’ve also been friends since 2010. He said the followings.
“Well, we fight, we fight very well, because fighting is inevitable, but in our fight, every single time we’ve had fight, we still remain lovers, we remain kind. Non of our fight no matter how tough surpass our kindness for each other.
The next one is, we consider everyone after both of us as third parties, especially our parents and siblings, we started dating during our remedial program in 2012, and till today, I’ve never discussed her wrong doings with my parent or siblings before, I am sure she never did too, the only person I’ve discussed our matter with was her twins sister, they love each other so much and it’s just one time and that was even before we got married. So literally in our 14yrs of togetherness, we both have never discussed our issue with anyone. And nobody has ever helped us settle fight.
Hmm, next one is sex, you’ll not have it every time, understand this and it’ll help you navigate your sexual life better. I get tired on some days, she get tired on some days too, both of you should understand that you’re human and tiredness is inevitable. And as a man especially, if your wife is not someone that deny you sex, please don’t force sex on her any day she said no, don’t get me wrong o, even if she deny you sex often too, don’t force sex 😂 but what I’m saying is, if she’s someone who tends to your sexual needs, anyday she said she’s not interested out of tiredness, let her be, you can do cuddles, kisses and other foreplay if she want. Because if it get to a point a woman is having sex with you just so you can be pleased or not angry, trust me you’ll lose her in sexual aspect. Don’t be boring in bed too, try sexual activities that is in line with your religion and belief.
Being a parent and being a couple are two different things. Our marriage shakes a lot when we gave birth to Ahmad, my wife forgot me totally, no time for me again, we had to go for counselling before it gets better. So make sure you both understand parenting and its concept before you start giving birth, in fact if there is anytime our marriage had problems, it was when we gave birth to Ahmad because we both are new to parenting.
Another one is no raising of voice and no raising of hands, no matter how mad we are at each other, non of us is raising voice at the other person and non is raising hands to hit the other person. We also don’t use foul words during fights. Also during our fight, we don’t sleep separate rooms, we sleep on same bed, under same duvet in fact. We set this rules specially on our wedding night.
Another thing is, yesterday fight doesn’t stop today’s love. I’m someone who keep malice if we have unfinished fight, but my wife isn’t like that. I remember one day we had fight a serious one, I was at fault, and the following morning, after prayer, she rested on my laps, for few mins I was like who’s doing this one but I can’t even push her away, then she wake up and prepared my favourite food, prepared my lunch box and still continue fighting. She did everything that she’ll do when we are not fighting. The only thing we don’t do during fighting is s*x, every other thing we do it, that it’ll be as though as we are not fighting.
We don’t argue in front of our kids, or anyone else. During last year Eid for example, her mother asked if we’ve ever had a fight because she never see us fight and we never report each other to her before . You can never catch us fighting.
There is nothing like 50/50. We bring our hundred to the table. And there is nothing like someone’s money is their money and someone’s money is family money. Everyone money that comes to the family belong to the family.”
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