Nate

Me: Imagine if every tear was an egg and every time you started crying there was 10-50 broken eggs on you. You leave a funeral and it’s like “crunch crunch crunch” (if the person was beloved). Genie: That's your wish? Me: No, we're just talking. Just being Friends right now.

When they were building the pyramids, were they allowed to pee down the side, or did they have to walk all the way to the bottom? Obviously no poops but I’m wondering about pee.

@apostlenaut By the end of this party I'm going to make sure everyone knows I'm both hungry and dangerously full of semen.

Pretending I call drinks “fluids” to infiltrate a healthier peer group.

I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t been forced to grow up so fast (I was only 14 when I saw Darth Maul get cut in half)

My wife starts to bravely beatbox through her tears because she knows I can’t properly apologize if it’s not in a freestyle.

@glenna_opt Bro, you work on computer. All day computer. This is like if you were a professional saxophone player and you said "oh yeah one of the notes on my saxophone doesn't work"

@thenatewolf Sometimes my left shift key doesn’t work so I have to use the right one, and it makes me feel like I’m going to fall down the stairs

The letters on my keyboard getting excited as I take a sip because they might get to hook up with a different Shift key than usual.

@EdgarPoop1 There's a very good chance I'm somewhere on the spectrythm

@thenatewolf This post reeks of autythm

The way the word “rhythm” is spelled is disgusting. Ending a word with ythm is bad enough, but you’re telling me there’s a fucking h before that too?

Got a great spot in my house for an unsettling secret shrine but nothing worth shrining over :(

one time i was on an elevator and a guy dropped a bunch of loose grapes on the ground & was like “omg sorry i haven’t eaten grapes in a while” & i think about him whenever i have to handle grapes after a long break

-1 point for rhyming masses with masses but other than that War Pigs is an endlessly accurate evaluation.

No I didn't "spark a conversation" my idea was the mother and every comment that followed is my child.

@MissyXMartinez Much like an Olympian, yes.

@thenatewolf Form is everything

I’m actually really good at puking. More than one person has witnessed it and praised my composure.

@amazingflyingem It's ok, if you're friends for long enough, you'll get a chance to crush one of their dreams too.

When your friend is about to buy a really expensive pen and you gotta bite the bullet and tell them that their musings are tepid to save them from a financially ruinous decision.

NEW @nafmcpodcast w/ THE NAKED GUN -everything okay? -no ppe -field guide -nano second -Dragon pipe -explanation point -Duncan egg -quiz, medals and ratings open.spotify.com/episode/5VJ68Z… podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the…

Sending pictures of tall stuff to my friend who likes to climb.

I was using a socket wrench and the sensation was so satisfying I felt pride in humanity.