paul bassett davies

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

If you're tempted by the hot weather to swim at the seaside or in English rivers, you may become sickened by toxic parasites. These toxic parasites are called water companies, and the cure for them is nationalisation.

@Russell34639699 That train has sailed.

@thewritertype Please wait until the train is in a station before notifying staff you are unwell.

ALL PURPOSE HEATWAVE ALERT: Don't leave a dog in your car with a child while watering your garden after making unnecessary journeys to check on elderly neighbours using a disposable barbecue on dry grassland without sunscreen.

I don't think there's anything in "The Art of the Deal" about negotiating with a foreign power by using the strategy of shitting your pants and running away, but I can't be sure because I haven't read "The Art of the Deal." There again, neither has Donald Trump.

Too hot? Why not cool down with my CHILLING psychological thriller, Stone Heart Deep, now available as an AUDIO BOOK, read by the author (me). In Dickens's the Pickwick Papers, the Fat Boy says, "I wants to make your flesh creep." And so do I. amazon.co.uk/Audible-Stone-…

Happy birthday Bob Dylan. I’ve met him many times but he's a notorious prankster, and always pretends to be someone else: a postman, a priest, a doctor’s receptionist. I always insist “I know it’s you, Bob!" but he never breaks character. Sometimes the police are called. Legend.

You can lead a horse to water, but it’s pretty crowded there because of all those men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Trump would have been happy to attend his son's wedding if it had been a bigger event with a paying audience and a podium where he could give a three hour speech and no bride or groom to take attention away from him and it was a rally and not a wedding.

Stop scaremongering about climate change. A heatwave is part of a normal weather cycle, and we should ignore wildfires, find a drinkable alternative to water, give up our absurd addiction to food, and enjoy the sun! Yes, my hair is on fire. I'm owning the libs. Call an ambulance.

NEWS: Dangerous rightwing nut job and conspiracy peddler resigns from Trump's cabinet. EVERYONE: Sorry, you'll have to be more specific.

Amazing. It was Cuba all along. Not Iran, or Greenland or Canada. Now the only way for Trump to save the world is to destroy Cuba, which, it turns out, is hours away from developing a fully functional invisible intergalactic death ray machine, and must be obliterated immediately.

@wthirskgaskill @darling_reads Good policy.

@thewritertype I buy my books by mail order from @darling_reads deliberately to spite him. It gives me pleasure.

People like Jeff Bezos need to understand that we’re not demanding that billionaires pay more tax because we hate them; we’re demanding it because we want the system to be fairer. It’s also true we hate them, but that’s beside the point.

@LipstickMystic2 Beach body ready!

@thewritertype Can….one call oneself “Sexy Supersize Mystery Water Creature!” Asking for a friend.

If you're searching for the Loch Ness monster, stop calling it a monster. No wonder it's hiding. How would you like being called a monster? Try calling it something like Sexy Supersize Mystery Water Creature and it'll be all over you. Basic psychology. You're welcome.

@TheVikingDane @ChristianJW1968 It should silence the doubters once and for all.

@thewritertype @ChristianJW1968 It's irrefutable 😂😂😂

@TheVikingDane @ChristianJW1968 Amazing evidence.

@thewritertype @ChristianJW1968 Here's at least proof he is Scottish!

Wow, Netanyahu has criticised the reprehensible behaviour of his far-right Security Minister. We eagerly await the next steps he will take in this matter. Expect one of the following options: a) Zip. b) Nada. c) Nothing. d) Absolutely fuck all.

Currently working on my list of 100 Best Novels to Steal While Wearing a Bear Costume Because Bears Can't Read so Nobody will Suspect you of Shoplifting.

Sometimes I like to go into a shoe store and slip a note into the largest shoe I can find: "This used to be my family home, you bastards. Signed, the Old Woman."