wickedsuga

Gotta thin the herd. - me eating animal crackers

That's it, I'm writing about what you did in my diary.

One nice thing about wearing glasses is that you can take them off and suddenly all the shit happening around you doesn't look so bad.

Me: *about to go into a meeting* My anxiety: you pronounce "template" weird

Adulting just means you have a favorite antacid.

I just sneezed so hard a crop circle appeared in a corn field two states over.

props to google meet for giving that preview screen so I have a second to de-goblin myself before joining

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?

You guys what if this was all in the 2020 terms and conditions and we just clicked accept without reading

A little concerned that I've started to recognize individual squirrels in the back yard. Oh! There's fluffy tail!

I'm already exhausted from hating everyone this upcoming holiday season.

I used to ask myself if I should be having this much alcohol and now it’s more “Should I be having this much salt?”

On a positive note, I haven’t been inside a Walmart since March.

Welcome to the assumptions club. I'm guessing you all know why you're here.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

If a woman ever asks you how old you think she is just say 28

I'm punk rock, but I still need arch support.

I think my hair has become sentient