Garhothemew

@fesshole Please don’t make out train drivers are bigger pricks than we actually are. We get a bad enough press as it is.

I am 55 now. I still feel hurt that we were lied to by Ivor the Engine. They made out that there were still steam train services in the 1970s when they had all gone by the end of the 1960s. Yes, I drove diesel electric trains. No, it's not a substitute for steam. Very hurt.

@fesshole Fuck sake 😆😆

Every Sunday I spend hours making a roast for the family & the only contribution from my husband is he makes the gravy. And then without fail he spends the whole meal going on about how great the gravy is. Going to pour it over his fucking head the fat gravy eating cunt.

@Arnoldbfa We know mate

I will be world champion.

@fesshole You’re very confused. Maybe you just spewed up some port once upon a time?

Our housemate was fermenting port. In his absence, we drunk half of it and filled up the rest of the jar with water. Come the day of his grand unveiling, the guilty individuals had a pint each thinking it was weak and ended up projectile vomiting. Couldn't face port for 20 years.

@Arnoldbfa Nah it’s your balls that hang too low.

Toilet water in Canada is way too high.

@fesshole Totally relatable. Bearded fella in the kitchen tiles looks well still.

My parents still have the same Lino flooring in their toilet. Been there over 35 years. When I was a kid I imagined in the vague patterns there was a pretty woman im still in love with. Mind you there was also another woman eating a turkey by herself about 10 inches away.

@fesshole Perceived dodgy or really dodgy? Because lots of people are scared of their own shadow.

I send my daughters to a language school in a dodgy part of town. Was telling a coworker how crap the area is and how unsafe I feel going there. She paused awkwardly for a long time then said faintly, "that's where I live". Mortified.

@NoContextBrits It’s a banked beer. If you don’t know what that is you don’t know beer. Cheers.

Call the police.

@fesshole Has a side of your face gone slack?

I timed it right to be on the platform when the train came in to make sure I got a seat. Everyone got off except for one bloke that was asleep. I was more delighted than disappointed I hadn't woken him up when the train pulled out and he woke up in horror. Still laugh!

@SwearingSport @NoContextHumans Can’t be real. Just filmed perfectly. Can it?

Leon Rocky Edwards with a fucking miracle shot

@fesshole Arsehole. Please let it be a mis-heard arsehole.

I've never recovered from hearing my mum say to my dad "lick my farthole" when getting up for a wee in the middle of the night.

@NoContextBrits It’s a banked beer. Supposed to be like that 👍

Call the police.

@fesshole Sat like this right now for all those reasons. Can’t remember ever not doing it.

When I shit I sit on the actual toilet, not up/down flap seat. I never tell people because they think I'm mad, but it's better. Lower down - better squat. Cleaner - because people never lift it up and piss all over it anyway. The nice cool ceramic feels good on my arse cheeks.

@fesshole Don’t talk daft.

My wife was happy to indulge my sexual fantasy by dressing up as a particular movie character, which involved full body paint. Only problem is, it wouldn't come off properly. Ended up having to phone in sick for 2 weeks to work as she couldn't go in completely green

@VivaF1 @fesshole Yeah all train drivers are on 90k 🤦🏻‍♂️

@fesshole £90k? Are you a train driver? And sitting at home all day was the reason it was delayed in the first place?

I earn £90k a year but I regularly go back through previous train running updates to find anything on my line that was delayed and put in a delay repay claim, even if I was just sat at home all day. I don't feel bad, they're robbing bastards. The refund pays for my lunch.

@RutlandArmsChef Had a sirloin steak last night. Missus had sea bass. Both were absolutely bob on.

That’s better, the other picture looked like it had been in a kebab shop window for twenty years:

From tomorrow: Jersey cross côté du boeuf for two (Ewan McStarWars for scale), potato gratin, Diane sauce, salad, 45 notes.

@screwloose1980 That’s a great pic.

Meadowhall Interchange, early 1990s, Tinsley Viaduct and cooling towers in the distance

@fesshole “Going for loads of tests”. That’s right, you can just pop down the shops and get tests done. Nip into Boots and that. Twat.

My dad thinks he has Alzheimer's, going for loads of tests. His memory has gone and his brain isn't functioning. He doesn't have it, he just ran out of vape and nicked one from my room. It was a weed one from USA, he's been stoned the whole time. Can't tell him

@NoContextHumans Platform 9 at Leeds, in case anyone is wondering where he needed scraping up from.

@fesshole I carry some fur off my last dog in a small envelope in my wallet. Been there years now.

My dogs nose smears are all over my home office window. He died 7 months ago and I can't bring myself to clean the window. Miss you boy.