joaks

@TwopTwips Instead of buying Fallout 4, simply wander around your local abandoned industrial estate looking for bottle caps

@robdelaney @David_Cameron Babe?

That 100-year-old oak tree in the park. Still wood.

What the fuck is Eye Toast?!

Injured in an accident at work? Not your fault? Slip on spilled cottage cheese? Did Karen spill the cottage cheese? Karen, you stupid bitch.

My ankle clicks every time I move my foot. Maybe I'm one of the X-Men. One of the lesser X-Men, including Strongteadrinker & NeverNeedsACoat

Went to watch that Steve Jobs film but it froze as they hadn't done the updates. Or something.

@Glinner I'm brassic

If Season 4's anything to go by, he'll take fucking ages.

Reading Jamie's "Save with Jamie" book for budget recipe ideas. Ingredients for one read: "350g of tofu".

@almurray for a second there I thought the Lyceum Orchestra was one lady.

Perhaps Cameron should've given Corbyn a few pointers on how to do a sow, I mean, a bow.

This man will die alone

@WH1SKS yes and no.

Bought a fireplace off Feargal Sharkey cos a good hearth these days is hard to find.

If you missed it, my story about Fat Jew - instagram fame, plagiarism, ambition, coming to terms with a new morality theguardian.com/technology/201…

I wonder how many people will read that story and actually think: "Amazin', it's good to read stuff like this. I'm glad I got out of bed."

British journalism at its finest:

@Glinner @CAStrachan there should be a "keep a read-only, simple text version of this" button.