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A reflection at 24
The wish on the birthday cake this year was for peace. Internal peace mostly, though world peace is a good thing too. Chances are that things will get worse before they get better or worse, but I digress.
Since I was separated from the USAF due to the COVID mandates around 4 years ago, my life has just been floating from one part time to another, ultimately just settling on grocery because it's closeby and is easy work. Mind numbing, time consuming, easy work. The lack of direction due to that hell that was forced on all of us has been driving me nuts, considering I only got about a quarter through a 6 year contract that was going to be my financial foothold and career track for most of my 20s.
Unhealthy habits and vices across the board, jumping from one career idea to another, one fleeting interest to another, and a whole lot of ideas. Ideas and ideas with nothing really concrete to show for it except sperging out about something cool I have yet to make. The longer it's gone on, the more anxious and wasting away I've felt. Especially, I've learned what a curse some parts of my mind are with these constant swirling thoughts and a soundtrack you can't turn off (currently on "Chu, Tayousei" by Ano). You literally bang your head against the wall and contemplate using the sidearm next to your bed enough times and you just want to have that turmoil leave. Easier said than done, but I'm motivated to get on a better path.
This isn't to say that these past four years have been a waste. Were it not for that time, I wouldn't have met my brother and best friend. I wouldn't have experienced my first real love, unrequited though it was. More importantly, I wouldn't have been joined to the Orthodox faith. I'm 99% certain that's why I was sent off the military track. Now I'm an altar server and bellringer for the Church and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I've had various skills I've developed and a lot of figuring out what *isn't* working for me. Been in the pit dozens of times and it really just puts into perspective for me what it means to have agency and make the most of your time. All this to say that these four "wasted years" have made me want to do the best with my time moving forward.
I'd be lying if I said I don't want to hang onto the comfort and complacency; I don't have an uncomfortable life. Nonetheless, meaning and purpose are essential to people of all strata, and though I haven't found what that is yet, I am trying to get back on course. God willing, this COVID reenlistment will be what sets my life forward financially for the next few years until I have that "next thing," whatever it is.
Goals moving into this next year are to have internal peace and build confidence for myself. Get healthier in the four holistic disciplines, build more IRL social connections, and spend more of my free time creatively actually making something so I can point to it and say "I did that." I'm certain that this is not going to be comfortable or easy, but comfortable and easy isn't what I need right now.
To all of you who have followed me and my ramblings, either out of support, outrage, or pure curiosity, I appreciate it. Some of you are incredible people and the rest, well, it's the internet. We're all in this hellscape together I suppose. Weebs, autists, radicals, holy and unholy fools, and the few righteous foids - thanks for being my people. I'm here for the long haul, or at least until I get a spiritual kick to leave this part of modernity behind.
These 24 years are behind me and the track is laid out ahead of me. I look forward to whatever it brings and I hope you all can walk in that confidence too. Thank you all, God bless you and keep you, and here's to the new year.
- Gregory, ProfessorT
ProfessorT🇺🇲@ProfessorT_
24 years old as of half an hour ago or so - I'll reflect a bit tomorrow In the mean time: 0140 EST post time for the Japan Cup. I have coffee and food. Go Calandagan!
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