ทวีตที่ปักหมุด
Mike Phirman
4.1K posts
Mike Phirman
@phirm
Musician • Comedian • Conscientious Object • he/him IG: @mphirm
The Woodwork เข้าร่วม Aralık 2008
628 กำลังติดตาม12.6K ผู้ติดตาม
Sometimes when God closes a door, He opens it again. Because that’s like the whole point of doors.
English
@arothman Thank you, Andrew! It's nice to hear that it's nice to hear! #FINGERNAILS!!
English
@AndyKindler He would’ve been on board if things were presented in hilarious guy-themed puns. “By following the CDC’s covid GUYlines, including wearing your MANsk and maintaining social HIStancing, we can end this MANdemic lmao”
English
Grandpa Stupid rambles on and on while remaining fact free. What a tremendously unfunny hateful vaccine conspiracy liar.
English
@reportbywilson “Sorry, ma’am, park’s closed. The moose out front shoulda told ya.”
English
Mike Phirman รีทวีตแล้ว
Tom Lehrer has put all his songs online (including lyrics & sheet music), and given away all rights to them. The site will only be up for a limited time. This is a very niche tweet that will make a small segment of people very happy. tomlehrersongs.com
English
My gut response is train b/c it’s cozy and you can walk around. But once teleporting has entered the call, I’d say turning into an eagle. However! If, once I turn into an eagle, I have to carry my clothes & wallet & phone, then that’s less soar and more schlep. So… train.
Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan@myqkaplan
morning! i'm driving up to new england today to do some shows how do you feel about travel? do you prefer driving or flying? or training or boating or rocketing or teleporting? or do you like resting at home? what's your fave place to go or be? where do you love? morning!
English
@BenBlacker @bnacker Bath & Body Works sent me one for Holiday Salve-ings
English
@MrFasthorse Hey! Even I’M not in my top 0.5%! I thank you once again for your devoted Alexanage 🙏🏼
English
Muted yet? This may be the last time I can ask. I hope I made it to the very end.
English
pre-elon twitter: pls free me from this hellsite
post-elon twitter: Everyday with you all has been a gift. I owe my career, my friendships, and my marriage to this community. I’ve fostered compassion and activism each and everyday with you all, fighting the good fight (1/40)
English
Goodbye to all the wonderful people I’ve met on this crumbling tax write-off! It’s been fun! Sometimes! Minus that time I got all those death threats from Nazis!
English
If the end is happening soon, I just wanted to say thank you all for following me! I never thought a meme account about a Glendale Mall would be around for this long!
English
@bnacker I had 17,560 and all I could get was an eraser OR a Tootsie Roll.
English
Perhaps you have a drafts folder in your Twitter app of choice full of jokes or ideas that you never posted? Now may be the time to do a quick comb-through before they become kipple.
English
IN CASE THIS IS IT: Thanks for all the laughs Twitter friends. I do love you guys. If you’d like to see me continue to barely post, I’m @mphirm on IG. See you at the next one! ❤️
English
@tammygolden @JasonWScott It really would be a boring podcast, but hey, you were already bored before putting it on—you’re no worse off. Maybe we do a one-off Instagram live where we tell our anosmia stories, and then take questions, all of which are answered with, “Nope, we can’t smell that either.”
English
@tammygolden @JasonWScott I concur with Tammy that hot sauce is typically just an acid-like. I’ll add it sometimes but mostly just for the fun, pseudo-danger of it (like a horror movie for my mouth).
English