DistributedDoge

I was farming airdrops and reading the Ethereum yellow paper in the front seat of my Uniswap police cruiser when a ping came in. It was the chief. “Bad news, detective. We got a situation.” What? Did Solana go down again?” “Worse. Somebody just launched another layer-2.” The hardware wallet practically fell out of my hand. “My God. How many do we have now?” “Hard to say. Every time we count them, three more appear funded by a16z & Paradigm.” I lit a cigarette and refreshed the mempool. “What’s the damage?” “Billions in venture funding. Thousands of tweets about ‘Ethereum scaling.’ A whitepaper written entirely in diagrams of arrows pointing at other arrows.” “Do we have any leads?” “Only that the founders used to work at Coinbase.” I shook my head. “Typical.” “Listen,” the chief said. “We’re going to track this thing down and shut it off before it launches a token.” “Easy, chief,” I said. “Tokens are the foundation of the modern startup business model.” He sighed. “Just get down there and see what you can find.” Ten minutes later I was at the scene: a co-working space filled with beanbags, venture capitalists, and a giant TV displaying a dashboard that just said “TPS.” “Coinbase™ Presents The Police!®” I yelled, flashing my badge, my hardware wallet, and a laminated screenshot of Vitalik. “Nobody pivot unless you want to!” They didn’t. “All right,” I said. “Which one of you punks launched the new rollup?” A man wearing a hoodie that said “Zero Knowledge, Zero Revenue” slowly raised his hand. “It’s not a rollup,” he said nervously. “It’s a modular settlement-availability execution layer.” I squinted at him. “That’s a rollup.” The room murmured. “Listen,” I said. “Without a strong economic incentive, I’m not investigating anything. Are you people going to pay me?” A venture capitalist stood up. “We can offer you an allocation in the seed round.” “I don’t work for equity,” I said. “I work for tokens that unlock in eighteen months and immediately go to zero.” Just then an intern ran in. “Detective! The protocol just hit a billion dollar valuation!” “Already?” I asked. “We haven’t launched anything yet.” “Of course not,” I said. “That would be irresponsible.” Suddenly the founder made a break for the door. “Paradigm™ Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled. Too late. He was already halfway down the hallway tweeting “gm.” I chased him. “Stop right there!” I shouted. “You can’t keep launching infrastructure companies that only exist to make other infrastructure companies slightly more complicated!” He turned around. In his hand was a pitch deck. He fired. I ducked as a slide titled “The Future of Decentralized Modular Interoperability” whizzed past my head. “All right!” he yelled. “I confess! I built the protocol!” “Why’d you do it?” I asked, slapping a pair of Ledger™ Hardware Handcuffs® on him. “Because I was afraid.” “Afraid?” “Afraid there might be only twelve crypto infrastructure startups instead of thirteen.” I nodded slowly. Years ago, a man like this rugged my partner with an NFT project called Pixel Apes but With Hats. I looked him dead in the eye. “Listen carefully,” I said. “No matter how many rollups you launch, no matter how many seed rounds you raise, you will never destroy the dream of a decentralized financial system.” He lowered his head. “You’re right,” he said quietly. Then a venture capitalist walked up and handed me a term sheet. “Good work, detective,” he said. “We’d like to lead your next round.” I signed it immediately.

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