James Strath

I don’t need to get into it as many married men have their own personal minefields to navigate in this regard but the only real response to these legitimately insane ideas is “Would it seriously kill you to just lie back and spread your legs for 10 minutes 2-3 times per week?”

Both sides of this debate, in my view, are unwilling to confront the issue head on, which is to say that men get horny and want to have sex and they’re annoyed if they can’t get it from their wives, who they feel on some level are obligated (and should want to) provide it. From the men’s point of view this is something that they desire, something that they want, something that they enjoy, something that only their wives can give them, and the general message is that this is at bottom not a serious concern. Neither side wants to take this seriously. Women just say outright that this is a crass, unimportant concern, so then men, some of whom seem to agree with that assessment, try to frame it as though the sex is really about connection and feeling and emotional completeness and really you need to have sex with us because this is how we express love in a relationship. The only way through this is just to say directly that men get horny, they want sex, and it’s very annoying when their wives won’t give it to them. The women in their lives either take this seriously and treat the concerns of their husband as something worth caring about and addressing, even if part of them thinks it’s kind of base and crass, or they don’t. And so while for many men it’s not really true that the sex itself is about connection and emotion, the lack of it is absolutely about denial and rejection and an unwillingness to provide something that the man feels is so simple to provide. From the man’s point of view it’s just like, actually I am very simple, actually my needs are very simple, actually it is very simple to provide for me what I need and what I desire, actually you have all the tools to provide it, actually it’s not even a little bit complicated. And yet.

married women, have you ever said yes to sex because you didn't want to deal with his moodiness if you said no?

there's a sex therapist who has a ritual of making out with her husband every night before bed, and so many of the comments on her posts are some version of "but what if he gets turned on and I don't want to have sex" and i need men to understand and prioritize non sexual touch.