Beth Suereth

Women understand that men “mansplain to each other.” The issue for women is that too many men seem convinced that the MAJORITY of women know less than them about many things, from trivial to general. And when a woman says, “I know this, this is my field of expertise,” then at times, it can be very much like talking to a brick wall. Ironically, this is one reason why some women prefer to communicate in writing. Even if a man knows that a woman wrote the words that he is reading, it can be easier for men to see that women have some genuine knowledge when they READ her words — even if those words were instead spoken aloud by the same woman who wrote them! Especially for a woman who seems too young, or too old, or too attractive, or too unattractive, or too…. Again, if you are a man and you are resistant to this framing, then a simple first question to ask yourself is this: do you tend to assume that women are your intellectual equal, BEFORE you know additional information about a SPECIFIC woman in question? And if not, then what is your assumption about men? If you assume both men AND women are, on average, less knowledgeable, educated, or cognitively skilled than you are (a common private conviction) then ask: do you find that you will as easily challenge a very stupid man in the way you would challenge ANY woman, seemingly stupid or not? Not any particular woman or group of women who you aim to flatter and please, but women, in general? Many men aren’t necessarily frightened of many women. And this seems to matter, to many men. These men are not too concerned about what women will say or do in response to them, even if offended. Gender relations are complex, because it can come down to things like “a man’s baseline respect for the actual female sex as a whole,” and not just this single specific interaction with this one woman. Women will attempt to describe to men how we are evaluated by the basis of our sex. But it is more like we are evaluated by the basis of our sex AND the unconscious associations any individual man has for both women in general, and this “type” of woman THIS man has categorized THIS woman into based on HIS OWN feelings towards her general presentation. My sad joke has been that the reason why some women seem less informed than men in various subjects and/or in “trivia” is that one must consider how girls were assigned an entire extra subject that’s endless in its demands and rigor. It is a class that girls may never be explicitly taught, and never complete. Yet opting out could lead to being devalued, and seen as “lesser than” for our whole lives. This is “femininity” — its social and behavioral codes, norms, and expectations. Consider the horror of this: to understand that the respect one receives is proportional to how “attractive” one is perceived as in the moment, vs. how much one actually KNOWS about any given topic. Attractiveness is subjective, but frequently correlated with gender conformity. For a man assessing a woman, this is based on how well she performs her gender for his gaze. “Femininity” is not about mere aesthetics, nor an exaggerated “femme” stereotype. It is an entire universe of social and interpersonal habits. These are not innate, but learned. They include indirect communication, rather than direct confrontation. Girls practice social habits of kindness, warmth, patience, and prioritize this study and practice over other areas of “knowledge acquisition.” Women’s so-called “intuition” is this social intelligence, generally established and developed first via training from other women, and then further via observation and self-study throughout one’s life. It may FEEL effortless, but it IS cognitively demanding work. And yet, women may never describe it this way even to themselves, as to do so lacks humility, and goes against the ethos of restraint. “Mansplaining” is crass and indicates social obliviousness. It is NOT “intelligent,” and therefore, unimpressive.

Welcome to New England 😆