Ethan Brooks@alt_w_v_g
Update: Wednesday
The department-wide meeting
I was not invited
I went anyway
8am
Walked in
Legal pad in hand
The room was full
Not just HR
Not just finance
The entire floor
Someone from marketing was there
She had "Identified Adjective: Creative" in her email signature
I've never met her
HR stood at the front
PowerPoint on the screen
Slide one: "Email Signature Policy: Clarification & Compliance"
I sat in the front row
HR looked at me
I opened my legal pad
She began
"Effective immediately, the email signature policy will require identified pronouns only. Adjectives are not included."
I raised my hand
She said "we're not taking questions yet"
I said "it's not a question. It's a point of order. The current policy says 'identified.' It does not specify a part of speech. You're changing the policy, not clarifying it."
Legal was in the back of the room
He nodded
Again
HR said "we've updated the language"
I said "when"
She said "this morning"
I said "so the policy I complied with yesterday is no longer the policy today"
She said "correct"
I said "and I'm the one being non-compliant"
The room was quiet
The controller raised his hand
He said "so do I remove 'Tired' or not"
Someone in the back laughed
HR did not laugh
The analyst was standing in the doorway
I didn't invite him
He came anyway
He was holding a legal pad
I looked at him
He looked at me
I didn't say anything
But I noted it
HR said "going forward, signatures will include name, title, and identified pronouns. Nothing else."
I said "I'll comply with the new policy"
She looked surprised
I said "effective today. As written. Until someone changes it again."
My boss said "I think that's fair"
HR closed the PowerPoint
Meeting adjourned in 14 minutes
I walked out
The analyst followed me
He said "so the adjectives are gone?"
I said "from the signature, yes"
He said "that's it?"
I said "the policy changed. So I'll change."
He looked confused
I said "but the policy didn't say anything about the out-of-office auto-reply"
He stared at me
I stared back
He smiled
First time I've ever seen that kid smile at work
I think he just earned his first adjective
Updated my out-of-office to:
Thank you for your email. I am currently unavailable.
Best,
Ethan Brooks
Identified Adjectives: Smart / Handsome
Identified Chromosomes: XY
For urgent matters, please contact HR. They love hearing from people.
Sent from my iPhone