Matt Cuff

@RadioFreeStPaul @Jamie_bz @jk_rowling @adammcarter And a bit of pillage.

@Jamie_bz @jk_rowling @adammcarter The sex spectrum is wonderful! Big gametes, small gametes, and all the myriad gametes in between! It takes a village to conceive.

I'm confident my breasts are valid, but I've always had nagging doubts about my spleen.

@MattWWebster …fashion a barista out of praying mantis collagen. #frisbeeResidue

@MattCuff_ They could buy a yacht and lots of bread...AND THEN..

So.... Apple is first public company worth $1 trillion 🤔 #trillion #apple #tech #ridiculous apple.news/AketI_CYdQyCyy…

@1867News Looks like a 3D scan of septuplets.

@DangerousDan88 @fesshole I tell people I’m Venezuelan when I’m actually from Cornwall.

@fesshole I tell people I'm 5'11". I'm actually 6'1" but people who are actually 6 foot get really paranoid about their height when I'm stood taller than them

l'm a 6'5" guy. When working in Canary Wharf in my 20s doing a job I hated, I'd say to various hedge fund dickheads kicking above six foot that I was only 6'2". Most took the bait and I'd stand up tall and beat all of them in the rigged game I set up.

@Arriba_Andale_ @josh_oakford @FK09____ A saltwater solution, like seawater, boils at about 102 degrees. He is incorrect, as are you. It is in fact the stickiness thing.

@josh_oakford @FK09____ Both sugar and salt raise the boiling point of water. People don’t dump sugar or salt in to boiling water to make it stick to people. It causes severe burns because the liquid almost 50% hotter when it boils. Lots of confident dumbasses commenting on this, when he’s 100% correct

Kettle of boiling water with sugar poured over his face on his first day inside, then hopefully sliced up a few hours after that

@2lightenitup @RileyGwill51606 @Crazymoments01 @realDonaldTrump The ‘s’ refers to the number of millionaires, not their number of millions. But it would have met the rules, nonetheless.

@RileyGwill51606 @Crazymoments01 @realDonaldTrump Uh , shoulda stopped at “ Millionaires “ the “S” implies PLURAL - MANY - or in your case MULTI - but I love it just the same - im just on one tonight 🤷‍♀️🤣❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

@StuartForbes @fesshole It was actually because OP used to ‘borrow’ unfriender’s milk from the communal fridge on a regular basis, without asking or ever reciprocating. And this really ticked him off. He also, on occasion, put a wet spoon in the sugar.

@fesshole Why did someone unfriend someone else because they got made redundant?

Got made redundant a few years ago. A guy I considered a friend immediately unfriended me on all social media thinking he'd never see me again. He later moved a few streets from me I see him quite often. I really enjoy glaring at him and making him feel sheepish & uncomfortable.

@GoodClearTweets @JamesAlexBombs @McnuggetsCalvin @fesshole That’s a generalisation.

@JamesAlexBombs @McnuggetsCalvin @fesshole Hawks can't read.

I'm 28. Went for a pub lunch yesterday and for the first time had to pull out my glasses in order to read the menu, mortifyingly in front of a very attractive barmaid. Never felt so old in my life.

@FillsWhales @fesshole And VAT.

@fesshole And that's why people use big companies where the invoice is generated in an office whether you get or brew or not.

Self employed tradesman, I put £30-£50 on top of every job. If the customer is nice, makes me brews or generally lets me get on with my job I knock it off the final bill. If they are awkward or make the job harder then that's my beer money for the Friday night.

@flagg_in @fesshole He’s a shit everything-else too.

@fesshole Why wear it?

In my haste, I unloaded on the toilet lid, rather than the bowl. Collected it neatly in wife's shower cap, and flushed the contents away. Had a longer than usual shower wearing it inside out and she's none the wiser.

@ToK_ScienceTree @gunsnrosesgirl3 It’s hoping to find where the cat parked its car.

@gunsnrosesgirl3 The perfect spy. 🕵️ Magpies are highly intelligent and can recognize themselves in mirrors, a trait shared by only a few animals. The magpie is probably hoping to find some food following the cat.

Magpie following a cat pretending it’s not

@fesshole So you do know why.

I don't know why but sometimes I'll hold a poo in just because I like that sensation of really wanting a poo. If I get that sensation I'll try and hold it for 45 minutes to an hour before actually going for a dump.

@71Tonka @MrJamesMay Technically, it was an abbreviated ’and’.

@MrJamesMay 'Peace and love' please. Abbreviated 'n's are not acceptable.

I've had an illuminating 24 hours reading the responses to my 'bunting' post. Now hear this. 1) I'm not suggesting that the Pride movement has anything in common with the Nazis. 2) My post is not intended for use as a community launch pad for sorties into lazy homophobia. 3) Yes, plenty of other events (royal ones, for example) also transgress the TMB ruling. 4) People should read through their posts before submission. This won't work as a platform for 'citizen journalism' if half of it is incomprehensible bollocks. That is all. Carry on. Peace 'n' love, everyone.

@Defencebrief @fesshole An hour and a half in the microwave.

@fesshole I'm not a chef and manage to make a runny boiled egg every time I try. The secret is checking how long you've cooked it for.

Executive chef, have worked in restaurants owned by celebrities & some of the world's most prestigious hotels. When hiring new chefs I always give them one simple test. Make a soft boiled egg with perfect runny yolk. 95% of chefs fail this simple test. The secret is an ice bath.

@fesshole A chess fess.

I've created an elaborate myth about me being a great Chess player among my friends, I'm not. It's gone so far, that whenever my friends play I'm sitting there mumbling words of approval or disdain. When they challenge me I refuse to play, much like Seinfeld when he has to run.

@HomeworkScanner Does it work when the dog eats it?

👉Organize test papers, erase handwriting marks, collect incorrect questions, 🙆✨A powerful helper for home learning! 😃

@XboxSupport 🤪

We are aware some users are having problems when attempting to use the search, browse, and complete purchases on the Xbox Store as well as issues launching Cloud Gaming sessions. While our teams investigate, follow along here and on our status page for msft.it/601295v6o

@borofergie @fesshole 4 pairs per night breaks down after a single night. Since a 2 night stay only contains 50% more days. If by some miracle you didn’t shit yourself on day 1 (statistically less likely - see my thesis on ‘Travel Squits’), you’d be in front and free to shit yourself more liberally.

@fesshole You are wrong. You only have enough boxer shorts for a single overnight stay, using the standard formula of “one pair to wear and one pair in case you shit yourself”. By more pants. Your wife’s pant supplies allow her to stay away for 22.5 and a half nights.

My wife has about 90 pairs of knickers stuffed in a drawer, I have 4 pairs of boxers that I have been rotating for about a year now - it was 6, but 2 have perished. I feel that my Mrs is in the wrong for having far too many pairs. Settle the row - who is in the right and why?

@fesshole My wife thinks I wash the car 3 times a week. I just buy a new one and send the ‘dirty’ one off a cliff (after changing the plates).

I keep buying a new grill pan every time the old needs cleaning. I hide the dirty one in the bottom of the wheelie bin so my husband won't see it. He thinks I'm really good at getting the grill so clean.

@chrisdymond Quick… Raise the drawbridge!

Word is starting to get out… 😬 timeout.com/uk/things-to-d…