durnt

When your kids turn out exactly the way you raised them 🥹

I was wrong. The report should’ve specified south Asian.

Bryan and Kate are SUPER weird. But they’re perfect for each other and that’s amazing.

@doctorcalf @seizuresalad My very conscientious friends were denied multiple times when he tried to charge his phone with an outlet in a cafe where they were eating. They’re Christians and understood immediately Japan was not going to be a good fit.

@durnt @seizuresalad Japan scarred me. I got yelled at every single day there lol. I’m a very conscientious traveler since Americans have such a terrible reputation abroad. Granted it was worse in some cities than others

A warm public toilet seat is an unnerving experience

@Doc_Red_ Being fat.

The fastest way to lose patient trust:

@seizuresalad @doctorcalf Vacationing in Japan ruined me for so many things 😭

@durnt @doctorcalf We have a Japanese toilet at home which has ruined me for normie toilets everywhere.

@cookiecarver Shop girls always tell me they like my style. Just sayin’

guys are reception girls at fancy gyms usually very flirty or was she actually flirting with me i can't tell

I saw a waddle of mainland Chinese women taking advantage of American birthright citizenship. Nice. I’ll keep using it.

@NoFilterSkin Massages for me. I’m naked and someone’s touching me. How am I supposed to relax?

Ladies can we agree that getting your nails done is not an enjoyable experience? 😭

@SarAllyce I’m more surprised by the fact that there are not fit women in Miami.

In Miami the women go outside in their underwear. Just a bra & very tiny shorts. They wear them to the grocery store, out to nice restaurants. Even the ones that are not fit, Joe, they walk around in their bra with their big belly hanging out

My gym is playing Fergie and that’s the only kind of music I like while I work out: upbeat and stupid.

@Doc_Red_ @farbood Are you trying to get an invite? Did you use the link in his bio? Maybe it’s a country issue… app.a-list.com/farbood/invite…

@durnt @farbood Can’t access 🥹

If your calorie counting app makes you PAY to see wha your macro intake is, Get a better app

@MustardFren @Oilfield_Rando What a terrible woman. He’s clearly a yellow boy!

@Oilfield_Rando Is there a complaint somewhere?

I AM HOOOOOOOOWWLING

@thedimitri I hate being manipulated into giving compliments. I smile and politely say, “I’m not guessing.” This might only work because I am a woman.

Have they ever figured out a good answer for when a woman asks you how old she looks

My whoop thinks I played field hockey. I vacuumed.

@MurrayHillGuy1 You can say no.

The cost of being in your late 20s/early 30s that no one warns you about: 5-10 weddings per year that cost you $500-$1,000 each to attend The biggest scam in America are weddings!!!

@MargaritaNicko @cybelethebest I love watching her talk on mute. She’s mesmerizing.

@cybelethebest Right? I can admit AOC is hot even though I think her policy ideas are dumb.

Wish libs would admit that Trump is funny and Melania is pretty.

Best batch of potato’s I’ve made in the air fryer

@JobobTaeleifi Serial killers have an m.o. so…

By default, if you like murder, you have to have a favorite type

The Ilhan Omar thing isn’t a mistake that even children make. I don’t care if she corrected herself.