Bubs

I'm not guilty I prefer ' victim of circumstance '

I dunno. Have you heard any good conspiracy theories lately

My wife wanted a Siamese cat, but I heard that they are really expensive. So I’ve bought two normal cats and glued their heads together.

I've seen opossums running in and out of the butthole of a cow's carcass. So I don't have much use for them

@Bob_Janke It's gotten to the point where I only buy Asian vehicles now, except for old Ford trucks of course.

I am 100% a Jeep person. I've had four. One of the only cars that I had that I ever think about was a blue 1980 CJ5 that I bought in the 90s and sold. Would I pay $25,000? Maybe, but I'd sure get one of these before I bought one of those piece of shit four door Fiats they sell now

Drinking hose water to keep my edge.

*watching the clock run backwards* Her: Have you heard about the Cern Hedron Collider Me: Cool

When Dear Mother slapped the shit out of you for no apparent reason She would always say 'That's for what you were going to do'

Taylor's wedding on the US's 250th is like Farrah Fawcett dying the same day as Michael Jackson.

*pulls up One delicious booty please.

@klara_sjo I dunno. Do I have to wear one of those beanies?

Who’s gonna hit?

I bet Ralph Nader is fun at parties.

Wife: Is neuropathy contagious Me: Oh yeah. Absolutely. Wife: I think I've caught it from Aunt Gladys *life with a hypocondriac

Apparently the writers from the Lifetime channel have migrated to Twitter

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the front door of a house. It's answered by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?" The kid replies, "What do you think?"

A kid decides to burn his house down. Dad, putting his arm around his wife, both with tears welling in their eyes, says, 'That's arson.'

I help by staying out of the way

I keep mixing up the LPGA with the LGBTQ Oh Stupid Me!

Marriage counsellor: “Start with what you have in common.” Husband: “Well, neither of us sucks dick.”

These high temperatures are giving my IQ a run for its money.

You can say what they want about the Boomers but at one time those poor old decrepit bastards knew how to rock.