the Real Clem Shady

You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but how about...

@snarkbox Dr. Doom already had his PhD. He didn’t need to teach anymore.

@cpsemple Vas ist meaning of ziss?

I used to be known as Professor Doom, but I found teaching was taking too much time away from my goals of ruling all reality.

Plead The Fifth sounds like a George Thorogood song.

@KevinPCBFL You know, that Canadian (?) royalty from that South Park episode.

@cpsemple Who?

No one tweets derisively about Megan and Harry anymore.

Anyone remember Shelly, the marketing exec from South Africa who didn’t like guacamole? I still think about that…

@InterestingSci1 Do you know if this was taken from the shore, or from the Staten Island ferry?

🌕 A perfectly timed moonrise over New York. As July's Full Buck Moon climbed above the eastern horizon, a carefully planned vantage point aligned it directly behind the Statue of Liberty's torch—an effect created entirely by perspective and precise timing. This alignment lasts only a few moments and is possible only from a very specific location with a long telephoto lens, making it one of the most rewarding challenges in astrophotography. 📍 Statue of Liberty, New York Harbor, USA 🌕🗽 Captured just minutes after moonrise during the Full Buck Moon of July 29, 2026.

✂️💇🤣

keeping time or ELSE!!

@CrisKyay A handsome young gnome from the city Comes to slap on your titty If for any reason or rhyme You hit any note not on time (Get it, he’s a Metro-gnome?)

Wife: Did you take the trash cans out? Me: On advice of council I respectfully decline to answer based on my rights of the 5th amendment of the constitution. :)

@TheRealDudja RAM

A movie theater

Tell my therapist all your secrets. She won't reveal them, I promise.

@PureGanja1 Hey! This “therapist” is just a Build-a-Bear with a webcam inside of it!

I turn 79 today.  I don’t want any gifts. Instead, my team and I decided to revolutionize the fitness industry — and we’re doing something crazy to celebrate. Here it is: join.arnoldspumpclub.com/birthday Between today and Sunday, August 9, when you join the Pump Club app and complete four workout programs in your first year, you pay nothing.  Zero. Nada. Zilch.  No fine print. If you show up and do the work, your first year is free. The payments are automatically sent back to your card.  If that feels shocking, then let me say it even more plainly.  Sign up for the app through that link. Try it free for 7 days. After your trial, pay $100 for your first year. Complete four workout programs. Get $100 back automatically: $50 after your first, and $50 after your fourth.

accurate 😆😆😆

@farmgirlfunny 2

@propheces Right?

The only real problem with getting old, is not being able to snort long rails of cocaine anymore.

@rickyricksmusic Strat

Which guitar would you pick? STRATOCASTER vs LES PAUL