Parody of the All-Domain Anomaly Resolution Office

OFFICIAL RESOLUTION: Tic Tac UAP incident (2004) — AARO has applied advanced analytical capabilities to legacy sensor data. Gremlin-enhanced reconstruction provides definitive conclusions. Full technical assessment: x.com/DoD_AARO/statu… @RepEricBurlison @RepLuna @RepTimBurchett @DoW_AARO @JeremyCorbell @g_knapp @GoodTroubleShow @MvonRen @LiberationTimes @rosscoulthart @NewsNation @CNN @MvonRen @LueElizondo @jaystratton @shellenberger @elonmusk

As part of today’s release, never before seen photos of the tic tac will be revealed.

The All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office has successfully resolved the 2004 USS Nimitz "Tic Tac" incident through comprehensive multi-domain analysis. After exhaustive technical review and witness re-evaluation, we have achieved definitive case closure. Full findings release here on X: 5:00 PM ET today.

After rigorous review, @DoD_AARO releases two lightly redacted pages from a resolved case from 2024 in the Persian Gulf possibly related to recent footage released by journalists @JeremyCorbell and @g_knapp. #UAP #Disclosure #AARO #UAPx

After rigorous review, @DoD_AARO is proud to release THREE FULL PAGES from Volume 2 of our UAP Historical Report. We're committed to gradual, measured disclosure. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was transparency. 🛸 #UAP #Disclosure #AARO #UAPx

OFFICIAL NOTICE: We strongly discourage attendance at this weekend's so-called "UAP Summit." Preliminary analysis suggests scientists at this event may develop detection technologies that actually work. Such outcomes would create unnecessary paperwork for our office. Please consider staying home and watching weather balloons instead.

@DoD_AARO will be releasing additional UAP cases from Volume II of the Historical Report shortly. In the absence of a completed Volume II, the Office has found it efficient to allow The Wall Street Journal to perform a provisional historical synthesis on our behalf.

OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO LIBERATION TIMES ARTICLE: Following multiple inquiries from lawmakers, Dr. Jon Kosloski, Director of the Department of Defense All-domain Anomaly Disinformation Office (AARO), provides the following clarification: Prior to the publication of a recent article by @LiberationTimes titled “NEW: UFO Allegedly Stored at East Coast Navy Facility as Material Transfer Claims Resurface,” AARO conducted a routine internal review related to similar claims. As part of this review, former AARO Director Dr. Sean Kirkpatrick was granted special access to the publicly accessible areas of Naval Air Station Patuxent River, commonly referred to as “Pax River.” The review focused exclusively on the @NASPaxRiverPAO base gift shop and adjacent retail displays. Areas inspected included: • Display cases containing challenge coins • Shelves featuring aviation-themed apparel • Multiple items labeled “Top Gun,” none of which were classified • Novelty drinkware and commemorative merchandise Following a thorough visual inspection of all merchandise, shelving units, and point-of-sale displays, Dr. Kirkpatrick reported no evidence of UAPs, non-human biologics, or anomalous materials being present in the gift shop, but did purchase a SANCORP polo shirt that was on clearance. AARO notes that no additional retail locations were identified for review, and no further inspection was deemed necessary. Director Kosloski stated that the timing of this review was coincidental and unrelated to subsequent media reporting, and that the findings remain unchanged regardless of external publication schedules. “This review confirms that previously circulating material transfer claims remain unsupported,” Kosloski said. “AARO will continue to assess credible information as it becomes available, particularly when it is conveniently located.”

FOR IMMEIDATE RELEASE: The All Domain Anomaly Disinformation Office annual swimsuit calendar auditions. Application information attached. We would like to thank @RepEricBurlison @RepAnnaPaulina @RepMoskowitz for continued confidence in our financial stewardship.

We support our war fighting UAP legacy program partners.

OFFICIAL STATEMENT: Following a routine administrative review, the All-Domain Anomaly Disinformation Office, @DoD_AARO has resumed operations. For efficiency purposes, and due to ongoing acronym fatigue, the office will continue operating under the name AARO. Renaming the office would require new signage, revised slide decks, and an additional report explaining why the name was changed and why nothing else was. Dr. John Kosloski issued the following statement: “This account will continue with AARO's mission: to spread disinformation and act as a pipeline to the Legacy Program where a pot of gold awaits for all who play ball.” DoD_AARO would also like to note that continued success of its disinformation mission depends on adequate resources. Additional congressional funding will be required to expand analytics, enhance reassurance capacity, prevent future clarity gaps, and enable continued shoveling of bullshit to Congress and the American public. Finally, AARO wishes to reiterate its apology to Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, @realannapaulina / @RepAnnaPaulina , for previous public statements made by former height-challenged leadership.