Robert Knop

Look at those otter toe beans! 10/10

The people who still say Twitter and Tweets are my tribe.

@schadjoe He’s prioritizing the MLB over a worthless, made-up tourney for TV. He’s smart and doing the right thing.

Someone please explain to me why Tarik Skubal could give the Tigers 61 pitches on Saturday but Team USA NOTHING on Friday or Sunday 🇺🇸

@schadjoe @_WeRk_ Because the WBC and can only hurt him (literally) and not benefit him in any way. Grow up and stop worrying about a made-up tournament.

@_WeRk_ Why didn’t he pitch for his COUNTRY BULL——

I just completed thee most perfect parallel park, without the aid of a reverse camera, in front of a busy outdoor café. If this was the 1690s I'd be a burned at the stake.

The person in front of me in a store line pulled out their checkbook to pay, and they probably could've bartered with a bag of chickens faster than paying with a check.

My son forgot the word sleet and just called it “angry rain“ and I am forever calling it that.

Horseshoe crabs are harmless despite their terrifying looks

The time change seems kind of arbitrary. I’m going to spring ahead to Friday…

Doctor: Do you drink? Me: Yes. Doctor: How often? Me: I'm cosigner on three college loans. Doctor: So constantly, got it.

If you filed for divorce this weekend does that mean you lost an our?

My body has officially entered its “extended warranty” phase. Everything still works, but there’s a constant rattling sound.

If this CVS playing Chappell Roan wants me to stop scream-singing along, all I can say is good luck, babe

Me, heading to the doctor knowing my cholesterol is high

A watched pot never boils, but an unwatched pot also never boils, mostly because I turned the wrong burner on

@anxietymsgs Every. Time. And sometimes I just take them with me because they look too sad

Does anyone else tell their pets they’ll be back soon when leaving the house?

@TheCinesthetic A movie released years too late. If this came out in the late 80s, it would have been a mega-hit.

The Nice Guys (2016) deserved better than a quiet box office run. Shane Black delivered one of the sharpest buddy-detective comedies in years, and the chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe feels like the start of a franchise that never happened.

He said “hey, if you need to find anything, I can help.” As she uncomfortably walked away, he yelled “you have pretty blue eyes!” That is not what she signed up for, sir.

Watched a guy hit on a Costco worker today. It was just as cringey as it sounds.

“Ugh is that THIS weekend?” - Me re: daylight saving time last year, this year, next year, and forever