redyellowgreendance 💃🏻

Me: <Face ID attempt> Phone: “Who the F are you?” Me: <sprinkles sleep crust across eyelids, pulls 27 frizzy strands out of bun, executes quadruple chin> Phone: “Oh it’s you, come on in”

@NotTodayEric Braided belt?

You can’t hurt me I used to wear jean shorts.

@Teebsnh3 “What’s the difference between opossum and possum?”

@RYGdance "Why can she never remember what she went in the room for?"

I imagine my AI is gossiping about me over drinks to its other AI friends, like “Guys guys guys, listen to what she asked me today…”

@NotTodayEric @NotTodayMother

Imagine not having any shredded cheese in the house.

@dadmann_walking @deloisivete

the power is out. Please keep my kids in your thoughts during this very difficult time

Nobody: 12: “You can’t control farts but you can control burps”

@deloisivete @terrip38

Cutting your sandwich vertically instead of diagonally so you know I'm mad

Medical professionals love it when you give them suggestions re: your diagnosis and treatment

@JoeDokes68 @dadmann_walking

@RYGdance @dadmann_walking Seems fair. 😂

My sons cough and sneeze directly into my nostril holes, so I think I’m entitled to double dip my celery into their peanutbutter jar

@RYGdance it was worth it.

left this in my lobby for everyone

Spent most of the day making sure my bed still works. So far so good.

@omgsidewalks @Tambe257

I've used dark mode so much that a white screen physically repulses me now

@dadmann_walking I don’t even understand what I’m looking at

Not wanting to look like a douche canoe

@RonaldPSeyb @dadmann_walking Yeah but this one

@RYGdance @dadmann_walking And you so wanted a Jan.

I just walked in to to find my 10 yr old son on the couch brushing his very short hair for no reason, what in the Marcia Brady is going on here

@RonaldPSeyb @kristabellerina SOMEONE’S gallbladder is gone

@RYGdance @kristabellerina Have you checked on your parakeet recently?

I don’t know what my sons are doing in the other room, but I just overheard them saying, “Ok now we’re bypassing the liver and going into the gall bladder.” We don’t own Operation.

@AanelVictoria Not to my knowledge 😂

@RYGdance Do you own ... a scalpel??

Everyone in Trader Joe’s seems mad that other people are there shopping too.