Sentient Hot Dog Water

Tried a new recipe called Dickens Chicken. You take white meat and sausage, and cover them both with herbs. It was the breast of thymes, it was the wurst of thymes.

Word of advice: Don’t drunkenly run around a hotel you’re already banned from in a Bears onesie screaming “Bear down, bitches!”

“Make your circle smaller” Me: [cuts people out of life] You: [kegels]

Here’s a crazy idea: Let’s stop body shaming and start attitude shaming.

Me: god you're sexy Her (sultry whisper): I'll bet you say that to all the women Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed. Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to Ikea.

Letting go of things is easy, it’s stopping them from following you that’s the problem.

Would anyone be interested in being my companion? Asking for a friend.

A beer for breakfast is the cure for what ales you.

Life is absurd but it's Albert Camus's birthday so let's dance

Lost my wife’s audiobook and now I’ll never hear the end of it

One day we'll look back on all of this and not laugh

That'll kill your buzz

Never mind, I'll do it myself An autobiography

I like to complicate things so that they may be more favorably compared to rocket science

when she asks you to be more creative in bed, it's time to think outside the box

*Wife whacks me in the junk and laughs* Me: "OW! What the fuck was that for?!" W: "It's 'slaps dick' comedy." Me: "This is about all those terrible jokes I post on Twitter, isn't it?" W: "Yes. Yes it is."

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she’s sangria than ever.