Heidi Paterson

TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives? Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy? TSA: why do u always do this?

@TorontoPearson What is it going to take to access your lost and found? I left 2 tablets in security and your staff is refusing to let anyone look. It’s pretty sad that complete strangers on the internet are more helpful than your entire staff. Please stop blocking their efforts.

@NewWestPD Please do not use the word “relocated.” This is extremely deceitful. Tell the truth.

Please be advised there is a Bear on the loose on the west side of New West. It was last seen near 14th St/London St. If you see the bear, please do not approach it. Our officers are currently dealing with conservation to ensure the bear is safely relocated. #newwest

Free Fish Names Part 2: Sir Anthony Hopfins Shak-eel O'neal Iggy Ascalea Minnowna Ryder Sardean Koontz Jon Bonchovie Goldie Prawn Phillip Seafloor Hoffman

Free fish names: Jessica Albacore James Panko Mila Tunis Pike Tyson Catfish Stevens Shark Ruffalo Beluga Ferrigno Mrs. Troutfire Keith

@SortaBad @dulcetry @Stellacopter @thetigersez

@IGotsSmarts @danguterman This is why I left 3 yrs ago 🙄

@danguterman @ImHeidiPaterson Go rest, Dan. Feel better.

Nice try, building that used to be a Pizza Hut.

My biggest fear is getting cancer and not getting enough "likes" and "shares" for Jesus to heal me.

Do men know it’s ok to pee in the toilet and not just on or around it?

I was crying at the airport just now until they paged someone with the last name “scrotum.” Now I’m ok.

Please don’t name your kid “Rylan.” That’s not even a real name.

Hello 911? Yes, hi. My husband steals my tweets and thinks it’s funny.

My favorite wrestler is cold stone steve ice cream

My best friend passed away yesterday so please take a moment to admire his handsome face and go adopt a dog right now

Asterisk? You mean “tiny star?”

Fact: If you cut a helicopter mom’s head off, she will continue to breast feed her baby til it’s like 35.

If you post a selfie with a face full of makeup, captioned “sooo tired,” you can eat my butt with a spoon.

Money saving tip: die

Breakfast is the most important coffee and cigarette of the day.