J.Lynn Lyons

So everyone cries a little when they’re reminded that Optimus Prime died, right?

@LLBean you make the best slippers ever… and my dog wanted me to let you know they were delicious! Good thing Christmas is coming up. #AdoptDontShop #dogsontwitter #SirLewis

Medleys are just antique mash-ups. #mashup #medley #Wisdom

Hey folks, if you plan on renting a truck to move avoid @Budget truck rentals. You can make a reservation, but they just might not have a truck. They might not call to tell you, and they might not care either way. Might I suggest a reliable donkey and cart? #movingtips #budget

@TMobileHelp @TMobileCFO See you there.

@Jlynnl @TMobileCFO Hello. Let's take a deeper look at your experience, and ensure we bring the options and savings worthy of a long-time customer like you. Please meet me in DM with your mobile number, so we can ensure you benefit from our partnership with you. ^KateTomallo twitter.com/messages/compo…

@TMobile after 19 years I am cancelling my service based solely on your policies regarding existing customers and promotions. I shouldn’t have to update my plan to get a new phone. I would get more personal satisfaction using a pay phone, if they weren’t extinct. CC: @TMobileCFO

Battles are hard to win when the only people fighting are are those directly affected. I decided to show my support for the #WGA by cancelling streaming services. I support #Equity. Today I cancelled #appletv #netflix #prime and #hulu. #wgastrong #amptp #wgastrike

As the full moon tonight also happens to be the flower moon, I’ve decided I will come out of it as whatever form of carnivorous flora that terrifies the world the most. Thank you for understanding. #FlowerMoon #fullmoon #carnivorousflowers

I applied to #NYU’s Creative Writing #MFA program almost 15 weeks ago. I still haven’t heard anything from them. I’m about to pull a George Constanza and just show up like, yeah, I think I’m supposed to start here today. #Seinfeld #writerslife

Texting is the 21st century version of passing notes in high school. Leaving someone on read is putting that note in your bag without answering even though they’re in the next aisle over and saw you get the note.

I went Trader Joe’s yesterday, so it probably goes without saying that my whole place smells like pumpkin spice today.

It’s wild that we used to like root for Ross and Rachel. He sucks. Like super awful.

FYI the Valvoline oil change place on St Charles is a thirst trap. This staff is too pretty to be just changin oil. This is like the reality show of oil changes. #NewOrleans

So I blame @VancityReynolds and @RMcElhenney than I now give a shit about not only national league football in general, but #WrexhamFX specifically. PS can you restock those Wrexham snap backs, thanks.

'6 n the Morning Feds at your door.....'

Finally someone with braincells in this fucked up festival #Woodstock99

Hello Police, I would like to conduct a citizens arrest on John Scher for being a POS #Woodstock99

I put Indian curry powder in my oatmeal this morning instead of cinnamon, so I guess this day already decided how it was going to go.

In my 20’s I had a therapist tell me that I chased the wrong guys. Well yeah, no shit, I’m in my 20’s. I never really examined it much until I watched #TheBear on #FX and found myself hopelessly crushing on Carmy.

Actually the sluttiest thing a man can do is open both doors of Helm’s Deep at the same time

32 in the suburbs is 45 and 32 in the city is 22. I can’t explain but I’m right.