kyle raney

[hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."

Prince of Egypt soundtrack slaps, don't @ me

Friend: "what should we do about your car?" Me: "let's just leave it there for the time being" The Time Being: [getting in the car] "omg thank you guys, this is so nice"

"Like, I --literally-- cannot even deal right now." - casino dealer that gets really bad hand cramps

just took my garbages out to the road. hopefully it’s enough for them this time and the garbage men aren’t banging on my door asking for “more garbage”

@gtRidge Absolutely. The only thing in life better than Twitter fame is any other accomplishment

@gtRidge You did it, man.

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident Me: say no more [Later] Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

the opposite of Outback Steakhouse is Infront Fish Apartment. my wife left divorce papers on the counter this morning

me: wanna join the mile high club? gf: sssh we can't! hot air balloon pilot: just pretend I'm not here

[firing torpedo from submarine] torpedo: but I don't know how to do anything else

My friends hate this horse and I don’t know why...

Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

oh no