Lucian Morris

@hormann_uk after three emails to your customer service team have gone unanswered one wonders what one has to do to get a response?

@fesshole Colombian cocaine you say? For an apparent novice you seem to know a lot about the provenance of the drugs. Me thinks thou doth protesteth too much.

I recently bought £15 of weed off the darkweb with some bitcoin. It never arrived, however what did turn up was about 100 grams of Colombian cocaine by the looks of it. I'm shitting it and have hidden it in the woods behind my street. No idea what to do.

@GaryRBelfast @Bryy_Miller @BadVaccineTakes Underrated tweet

@Bryy_Miller @BadVaccineTakes Nope wasn't us ...

@BadVaccineTakes Urine trouble now

@westy2018 @fesshole The problem was the alternative. I don’t know how many people wanted Boris but I’m pretty sure lots of people voted anyone but Corbyn.

@fesshole It’s a great thing you’ve seen the light, but how did you still vote for them in 2019???

The only thing stoping me saying publicly that after 42 years of voting Tory I will vote Labour at the next election, is I would lose my membership of the local Conservative Club. I am going to vote Labour, keep quiet, and keep my membership.

@AlfredMoody13 @JBrazill @fesshole They ya go - ruined it

@LucianMorris @JBrazill @fesshole Nah I lied, you’re the douchepickle

I've been dating this guy for 3 months and he forgot my birthday, so I had a one night stand. The guy hadn't forgotten, he'd planned a surprise party. I feel terrible and he still doesn't know.

@AlfredMoody13 @JBrazill @fesshole So rare to see someone on Twitter accept they are wrong. Owned it fella, nice

@JBrazill @fesshole Apologies, didn’t even think of that. Petty douchepickle.

@FPL_Castro @SwitchtoRich @CaptainChaos77 @stef1342 @T4eUrbanGoose @fesshole Enough’s, enough with these horse jokes. Time to rein it in.

I once slept with a 'horse girl' and she rode me exactly like she'd ride a horse and I was traumatised

@marknobleisgoat @SloaneRogue @kayleelouiise26 @RidiculouslyRi2 @scollins1978 @fesshole Is your surname Jean by any chance?

I once got my annual salary paid in 1 month. No one contacted me from our wages dept. I emailed them a few days later but put a comma rather than a dot in the address so it would fail to send & so I'd have proof I'd told them. That was 8 yrs ago, no one's ever contacted me.

@WURZLEMATT @stevenkane2013 @sjn4000 @GiantSpaceAss @fesshole Have you seen his Twitter profile? Odds of him being married are very low.

A lot of people hate cyclists, not me I'm seeing the wife of one. She's fantastic and we have a great time on Sundays in his house when he gets clad in lycra for 6 hour rides. He plots routes on wall in his study and calls them stages. Need to buy better wine though, it's awful.

@stevenkane2013 @GiantSpaceAss @fesshole You don’t pay road tax either…..but then ignorance is bliss eh?

@GiantSpaceAss @fesshole Why weird? They don’t pay road tax, no insurance, no accountability, even if they cause accidents, it automatically goes in their favour, they go through red lights, cycle on pavements + generally don’t give a flying fuck about anyone else. Hate is too strong but I’m no fan!

@mattlowndes They happen with alarming regularity in Russia. Someone really ought to look into safety standards

@mattlowndes As your CIO I’m not sure I can condone putting your laptop in the fridge

@Pollos_Enanos @NoSheds @fesshole You shouldn’t have had to spell it out

@NoSheds @fesshole X and Y chromosomes 😁

My two daughters live with their mum. Every night I message them that I love them. They get the same message, but I refuse to copy and paste as that's lazy. To make sure they know the message is written manually I make a spelling mistake in one of them every time

@fesshole Personally, I prefer Pepsi…..I’ll get my coat

I'm forty, fat and deeply unfit. I'm on a health kick, the main motivation for which is to be able to improve my heart-health enough to do coke again without worrying too much that it will be the end of me.

@stihljackWBA @GavCross @EmperorVespasia @fesshole @ING Can’t help but care about what he says? I think this is becoming a bit of a sport for Gav. I’m going to get some popcorn and watch how this pans out

I'm a primary school teacher. 99% of the time, if you're a dick, your child will be a dick too. Parent's night always confirms this. We mock you as we compare stories in the staffroom.

@bigted79 @michaelgun1 @s1lv3rf15h @JasonBahirwa @fesshole Lmao

I reckon I've saved about £5000 on train fares over the years. It's quite simple; just walk like you own the place and you never get stopped. Had people open the gatelines for me even when I've not had any ticket at all just by asking

@hqrr_y @PaulY444 @gareth_d_evans @JesseJamesreal4 @jpd7890 @fesshole I’m guessing the fess is covering activity many years ago. When I started going to the pub 30 years ago there was no such thing as Think25 and photo IDs were a rarity. This is plausible

@PaulY444 @gareth_d_evans @JesseJamesreal4 @jpd7890 @fesshole I think the implication was quite obvious but if you felt you must

When I was 16 my dad sat me down and told me I had a older brother who died of cot death before I was born. They had a little box of his stuff, wrist band and his birth certificate. I nicked the birth cert every weekend to get served in pubs in town. Figured my bro wouldn't mind.

@mattlowndes @MariaDigitalCat Nobody needs to see your legs Matt. Put ‘em away!

@gcluley Branching out Graham?