Mike

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

@eleniZarro @MaximusTremblay I’m not above slapping someone with an omelet

@MaximusTremblay @Parentpains Bran muffin? *dials police*

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

@_indica_sky Umm my friend was wearing a yellow shirt when all of that happened so you shouldn’t like yellow. 😉😂

Me: I like yellow. Reply guy: No you should like red. A yellow bee once stung my 3rd cousin and they cried a lot and it made me sad. Yellow is dumb. Me: Um ok cool. I still like yellow. Thanks.

Whoever came up with the term ‘terrible twos’ obviously didn’t have any children older than two.

Me: so Tiki Barber was a football player, does that mean a Tiki Footballplayer is out there cutting hair? Her: why do you speak?

@_glizzyborden_ You look great

@canadaslady2 We going swimming?

@eleniZarro They should ELL I would dread me too

@Parentpains maybe work dreads you back, mike

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Why don’t we ever see people kissing in trees? I mean there’s a famous song about it

interviewer: give me an example of how you handled a high anxiety situation me: I just watched you put your unlocked phone in your pocket and I didn’t say a word

My boss: there are no stupid questions. Me: challenge accepted.

20s: my eyes are up here 40s: my boobs are down here… no, lower

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

@canadaslady2 Help with paperwork is always appreciated 😂

Detective: and when we ask your boss, they'll say you were at work during the time of the murder? Me: wait, you can do that?

In the 1980s there was no block button, best you could do was cover your ears and cry.

It’s a crime that work is forcing me to wear pants. You can’t cover these calves. You don’t throw a tarp over the Mona Lisa.

If these walls could talk, they’d remind me why I walked into this room.

Twitter is ouija for reaching people who are dead inside