MOMther

Hey @Instacart I have a question about your algorithms for suggesting replacement items.

@bushontheradio Mayonnaise?

Our 7 year old Thea has declared that she's bored of the same old spreads (marmite, peanut butter & jam) what else should she try on her toast?

sometimes I miss when my kids were toddlers and then I think back to the time I caught puke in my hands so I didn't have to clean up the floor.

@RealRodLacroix Did it help? Asking for a friend.

Whoever had “hemorrhoid surgery” on the “What will Rodney be doing today” bingo card please come to the lobby to claim your prize.

The break room smells like hot facts. #IWorkWithMonstersq

@dadmann_walking Blasphemy!

I don't usually get controversial or political on here but the white chocolate Reese's eggs are better than the milk chocolate Reese's eggs.

I wonder how many cryptid sightings involve magic mushrooms and parsnips.

Who thinks perimenopause is bullshit? I'll start. THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Elmo is the worst thing that ever happened on Sesame Street. I said what I said.

I'm having a lumpectomy, and I think it's going to leave a dimple on my tata. Right up front, do you can see it if I'm wearing a scoopneck. Do you think I can request a smiley shaped scar? Then I can add some googly eyes so my girl always looks crazy happy.

@urmumsausername No filter, right? 😉

Happy Friday!! I hope you all have a fantastic day! With lots of love from Big Boi chihuahua! Cartoon stylee! 😊💜🐶👋

Don't mess with a menopausal bitch. Bitch.

Me: Sorry, what did you say? *reaches for glasses, puts them on* Ok ask me again, I can hear you now.

I just panicked when I saw it was the 14th and thought OHMYGOD IS IT VALENTINE’S DAY before realizing it was a month ago if you’re wondering how my mental collapse is going.

My body is a temple and Jesus is yelling and throwing shit.

therapist: and what do we do when we feel sad me: lift heavy deadlifts while crying therapist: I'll allow it

My brain: Everything is going to be okay My Nervous System: Okay, but hear me out, what if we panicked anyway

I don't trust these locks. I always press the button at least 4 times.

Im not very good at fundraising, but I am very good at running the sanctuary, where Lizzie here lives with 39 other pups. If you want to be a part of it, you can be good at funddonating or sharing this post

@JanuaryJames @Erin1137

Welcome to Twitter. A perfect stranger will be along shortly to misconstrue what you say and take it personally.