Cool guy with lots of friends

the slow but very real progression into fascism as charted by the evolution of the Lego police officer

[repeatedly mashing elevator button] him: you know that doesn't make it come any quicker [starts licking elevator button]

My cousin in England told her colleagues she wanted a Mariah Carey birthday cake. They misunderstood, and is the cake they made her instead. It’s Marie Curie, looking very festive.

“I’m going to put a cap right in your f*cking head......” Just listening to the conversation here makes me sick to my stomach.

ROOMMATE: you need to do the dishes ME: [just started Mad Men] what makes a sink a sink? Care? Attention? No. *puts out cigarette* Experience. *reveals poster that says The Dishes: Let’s Just Leave Them Like That*

Nintendo Nintendamos Nintendas Nintendáis Nintenda Nintendan

[Crowded Diner at Lunchtime] Waitress (staggering with an armful of 4 plates to our table - uneducated): “OK now, honey. Who was the eggs?” Me (3 college degrees): “Well, in a sense… [scrunching my eyes to read her name badge] ...Florence. All of us were once eggs.”

me: can i get a big mac employee: sir, this is a Burger King me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

paradigm shift SHIFT KEY PARADIGM

@lukeoneil47 Yes but what about for the newsletter?

💖A self-care reminder for anyone who needs it! 💖

@ParkerMolloy Honestly the baby had it coming

TODAY I HIT A HUGE WEIGHT LOSS GOAL! since Jan 1st, I have lost 100 pounds!!

William Goldman wrote the book and screenplay for The Princess Bride. I like this story he told about Andre The Giant.

why don't people know about libraries

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight Me: ok [Later] Her: Wanna have sex? Me: No thanks

cop: you're free to go me: but cop: go on now me: please cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE me: *runs into the forest* cop: :'(