Ridiculous?

Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

@fesshole Dickhead. You're going soft. Be hard and Stand up for yourself. Don't stroke their egos but erect yourself with pride.

51 year old bald man. Been shaving my head for years. Just noticed a wrinkle right in the middle of the top of my head. Must have been caused by the pressure of my ample pate on the pillow. My head looks like a penis now. Once my friends notice I'm screwed.

@fesshole More chance of you getting if it's a soppy film or a horror and she needs you to hold her.

If I find out what series on Netflix my wife watches I'll have a quick look on IMDB parents guide. If there's sex in it I think I'll have more chance of it myself later that night. Not happened yet, but we persevere.

@abigbearofaman @fesshole Unless you got a second hand one from Ebay.

@Ridi_culous__ @fesshole About £10, so I’m advised by Amazon.

Some scrap metal blokes have just helped themselves to my broken dishwasher from my skip, which would be fine, except for the fact I hid my old dildo in there so the skip man wouldn't see it when he collected the skip.

@fresheggistan @fesshole Cool. Do you have a preference?

@Ridi_culous__ @fesshole A vibrator, by definition vibrates. A dildo doesn't necessarily vibrate, and is usually vaguely phallic shaped.

@fesshole Infection. Disease......Ecstasy? Lucky girlfriend

Gave my girlfriend an STE after a stag do. Broke down crying in the doctors office, saying that I had ruined everything. The doctor suggested I ask her to marry me to distract her, so I did. Been married over 20 years now.

@Bbmorg We would become the USA.

What would happen to the UK if Farage was made PM?

@RupertLowe10 They make up a small percentage of our country. Education isn't expensive ignorance is

Muslims electing Muslims based purely on their religion and position on Palestine in British local elections. Unless we urgently change course, we're going to lose far more than a few hundred council seats.

@fesshole Alert. Serial killer on the loose.

I do clothes shopping once a year, online, one hit. takes me 10 minutes tops. 1 pair of jeans, pair of cons, 10 white t shirts, 10 pairs of socks and 10 pants. Done this for years, always dress the same.

@fesshole Worm your way out of that.

Part fess, part advice. When your partner offers oral, don't take your chap between your outstretched hands and go "here comes the aeroplane!"

@fesshole Well done SpongeBob.

I'm 29 and I've only just learned that washing up sponges are apparently not a one-time use item, that they can be used several times. I've been throwing them away immediately after every time I've washed up.

@TRobinsonNewEra Says a sell out who is funded by Israel.

Just a wanker who sold out his country for Islam

What's something you've stopped eating because it's become too expensive?

@NeilBrocken @fesshole Knife one.

@Ridi_culous__ @fesshole Does it fork 🧐

Been in a relationship with my wife for the last fifteen years, married last year. I have always done the cooking and she has always done the washing up in return. If we have an argument or fall out, I use more utensils and pans than necessary.

@Katielou86x @AshleaSimonBF Don't ever sunbathe or go under a sunbed. Stay white.

@AshleaSimonBF I second that sister 🤍 no more White guilt

🔥 Proud to be WHITE 🔥

@fesshole Rainbow kiss

Hard up at uni, got a wrong number text asking for a BJ. £200, I texted back. They sent an address. Brushed my teeth and went round. Turns out they were expecting a bloke. Did it for free, not putting on lipstick for nothing.

@PansenPeggy @fesshole Thank you.

@Ridi_culous__ @fesshole 🏆

@fesshole Why would they take them off! What can't of establishment is this? Or are they in their 80s and their eyesite is poor? Have a heart.

I am a Masseuse and always insist on people keeping their underwear on. The amount of women who have their knickers on inside out is astounding.