ThisOneSays

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my… *Husband brings entire purse*

@ryanhallyall Storm in south Franklin, TN.

Husband: how long does it take to shop for a homecoming dress? An hour or two? My daughter and I:

@TheAlexNevil 😂😂😂

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Aliens: what are u doing Earth: Blowing big holes in our own planet because we're afraid of each other Aliens: okay take care

“Sweet ride, bro.” “Thanks, pops.”

A snake just stays a snake. They don't morph into butterflies or anything beautiful like that.

I can’t be with you anymore, you’ve changed.. *Caterpillar & butterfly

For 12 glorious minutes today, I get to call all my neighbors who have solar panels & tell ‘em “Your power’s out”.

“Are you the branch manager?” “Yes I am, how can I help you?” “I would like two branches, please.” “How would you like that?” “Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

"I sat in an air-conditioned room and ate candy. Four stars." -my review of every summer movie