LTB

I made assumptions about your whole life from that one tweet you wrote back in 2016.

I love people who laugh so hard while they’re telling you something funny that happened. Their laughter is even funnier than the funny thing that happened. They can barely even get the words out. We need more of that

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

If it's a universal remote why do we have seven?

Website: That was the wrong password. Chrome: I will save it for you.

i love a man who communicates like an emotionally regulated adult but still flirts like a complete menace.

not the easy way or the hard way but a secret third way

Fuck you, you’re adorable.

It hurts when someone says mean things like Time to wake up

The public has a right to know what I’ve bookmarked.

Do not turn over a new leaf. I prefer your old leaf.

If you stay around here long enough you actually get to witness people lose their mind

Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a fine one to talk.

It’s been a long week. I deserve some neighbor sex.

I saw a guy shopping for pajamas while wearing pajamas and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Thanks ChatGPT, for all your encouraging words.

all I want in life is to be the dude behind the bar in the old westerns endlessly drying shit w/ a cloth, minding his own business

Telling the person sitting next to me on the plane that they were in my dream last night

I fear that some of you take yourselves far too seriously for adults who log into twitter every day.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I've had that ceiling mirror moved to over the dining table.

I've been sneaking creatine into my girlfriend's food and now she's huge and terrifying