Go Ask Your Dad

I love how my husband can fart like 59 times in a row, but if I do it once he looks at me like I’m Carole Baskin

My husband and I play this fun game where I usually have my phone on silent and he has to text one of the kids to go find me so I can call him back

Rihanna, 9 months postpartum: Performs an entire half time show while looking like a goddess Me, 9 months postpartum: Still wearing maternity clothes and can’t walk up a flight of stairs without feeling winded

“Dry January” means not going to the gym and sweating this month right?

I’d like to take this moment to thank @urbandictionary....because without you, I wouldn’t know what the fuck my teen is talking about

Any time I’m tempted to give someone unsolicited parenting advice, I think about the time I caught my kid eating out of the garbage, and I keep my mouth shut.

My husband doesn’t always perform a full maintenance check on the car, but when he does, it’s when the whole family is packed and sitting in the car ready to go on a road trip

So glad outdoor sports resumed. It’s nice to get a break and watch someone else yell at my kids for once

@RYGdance 🤣🤣

Me: “Hey buddy, how was your first day of tae kwon do?” Him, 6: “The Grand Master was soooooo nice! He let us take a break at the water fountain!”

Dating: I’m not wearing any panties, baby. Married: I’m not wearing any panties because you forgot to do the laundry again.

@momlikethat1 @thehomeedit

I’m watching the second season of @thehomeedit and my husband is already dreading the “edit” I’m about to put our house through 😆

@MommyCocktail I side with the wife 🤣

@AntsyButterfly That’s a good idea!

Every day when my son gets off the bus, I ask him to tell me one good thing and one bad thing that happened at school. And with that, he has so much to say.

@oneawkwardmom 🤣🤣

Both kids fell asleep with their feet against my back and it’s the closest I’ve come to a massage since the one that got me pregnant the first time

@AnnaDoesntWant2 We need to give ourselves more credit lol

Moms: The kids have been at school for an hour and I’ve gotten nothing done! *What they’ve gotten done: Laundry, dishes, groceries, meal prep, emails, work, tidying up, returning calls, scheduling appointments*

I really want my kid to be a master junior chef so he can make dinner for all of us, but not enough to let him practice in the kitchen and deal with the cleanup

@SnarkyMommy78 🥴🥴

Parenting books: validate your kids’ feelings 5: *acting very cranky* Me: looks like you’re very cranky this morning 5: CRANKY ISN’T A REAL WORD *gets crankier*

@gfishandnuggets I hear it’s so hard!

Registration for kids’ summer camp opens tomorrow morning and I have it marked in my calendar as “The Hunger Games.” That’s everything you need to know about trying to secure a spot for your kid in any summer camp.

@whinecheezits The real boss right there 😂

I spent years hatching plans, agonizing over how I was going to leave a successful career in corporate America to pursue my dream of working for myself. Never did I expect that dream to include my child yelling at me from the bathroom to come hold her popsicle so she could pee.