Allyson Phillips

I’m jealous of Alison Brie. She gets to be named after a delicious cheese and I get to be named after a screwdriver

@tacobell brand is “I’d rather fuck a burrito”

What’s Shakespeare favorite breakfast? A Hamlette

“What is a diva pot?” -@androssthegreat

@androssthegreat 😂😂😂

@allyooopsydaisy Can’t be late three days in row. I warned you.

Anxiety is weird. Last night I dreamt I got fired from a job I never had, and I’m still stressing about the injustice of it.

Why are silky pajamas so soft and silky on the outside, but not on the inside? Is it cus we hate ourselves?

Excerpt from our new episode of Stone Cold Paradise starring @Pbanifaz !! Available wherever you get your podcasts #improv #comedypodcasts #comedy #rocknroll #Entertainment #AHSDoubleFeature #stonecoldparadise

@swthiede YES!!!

a 2 week intensive on how to actually do anything with very long nails

Episode 3 feat. Heather Woodward is out NOW!! @ApplePodcasts #improv #comedy #rocknroll #patreon @Patreon

Schools “can’t enforce masks” but sure did enforce not letting us wear shorts or spaghetti straps.

Featuring @allyooopsydaisy @rkcoil @androssthegreat & Zach Olsen

@caraefingmeyers Oo yay!!

@caraefingmeyers Which book?!

Just tried to IMDB a movie on yelp

Tim Robinson LOVES hotdogs

How come mockingbirds only impersonate car alarms? Why can’t they replicate some smooth jazz?

What am I going to miss most about my apartment? The mysterious cumming sounds I hear every night that belong to either a cat or a woman... and the worst part is I will never find out which one it is...

Someone needs to tell Harry Styles that if her vagina tastes like strawberries and sweet watermelon she for sure has an infection

@c7er Umm excuse me I ALWAYS try to do both!! And unsuccessfully 😏

My Instagram feed is full of people trying to be hot or trying to be funny. Never both at the same time, and mostly unsuccessful at just the one.