Ash

@korejay @Pamp_It_ And she said use your common sense and u got offendedddddd hahahahha

@Pamp_It_ Nah because why does it say closed and there’s a man eating inside??? Asking if they’re open was the sensible thing to do.

Popped into a Jamaican restaurant for lunch and they had the CLOSED sign up, these times I can see the lady by the till. So I opened the door to ask if they were indeed closed as the sign suggested and she responded “common sense should tell you that we are open.” Personally I’m too tired and hungry for an argument today, so I just walked to the Chinese restaurant down the road.

Unsure who to support during this weeks #RackItAndBackIt It ain’t Wes Streeting, wonder why he got on with Mandleson so well 👀👀

@ATwinspark Used to be a banger racer down at Leyhams Farm, amazing. What t cut can do. I’m more impressed by the Q plate radar you got tho

Extremely weird spot today. Very normal Vectra estate diesel, but inexplicably on a Q plate and not registered till 2016 despite the Vectra going out of production in 2010. I regret not asking the owner what the story was as I’m bewildered

@anon_opin Good thing I’m looking for a job. Can I have yours?

Civil servant here. If Farage wins the next GE, he'll call us all back to the office 5 days a week. The CS will then be on the verge of collapse, as thousands of people will either retire immediately or quit, due to the removal of WFH. Cheap optics will meet reality.

@myles_premium_ Oh well, worth a shot at least or we could opt for the same old shit from the same old people. You know some scuff in a hemp t shirt ain’t gonna sell a group go people down the river

Love the Greens enthusiasm but economically they never have any backing for their ideas. They always just sound good on the surface.

there’s no good gear out there atm btw stick a bit under your lip and tell me that’s good for the inside of your face

@SamCKx I thought they just handed out certificates when people got their right to remain Oh and did the bin rota

Some guy whose mates down the pub call Barry the Bellend or Terry the Tosser is going to wake up on Monday morning and realise he's responsible for overseeing a £26 million regeneration project, and chairing a meeting of the local council licensing committee...

@RossMcCaff You mean the thing you do before you ghostie the lime bike into a wall?

I saw a Hinge prompt a few weeks ago saying it was really hot when a guy on a Lime Bike does that kind of one-leg-off-the-bike cruising dismount thing and now I'm concerned its going to be my literal cause of death

@MrJamesMay When they go for yours they always go for the good ones as well, not even courteous as to eat the shit ones I would’ve left them

I went to a lovely village fete today, and there was a fish ‘n’ chip van, so I had a large cod and chips. My missus ‘didn’t want any’, but then, of course, proceeded to eat around 40 per cent of my chips. Also, two random women simply walked up and helped themselves to some, as if that was perfectly acceptable. How much longer must men put up with this? How do we know how much food to buy? If you run a chips-adjacent food outlet, how do you know how much to serve to a bloke when there are obvious women present? Of course, I’m happy to share with the frail, fainting flower of womanhood, because what’s mine is hers first. We are men, and our duty is to provide and, ultimately, defend, even unto death. But this is about chips, and boundaries are important. Sisters: it’s OK to like chips. It’s OK to want some. We know you do.

@ScarredForLife2 @MrJoeGooch

Apparently Saturday Night Live UK did a parody of this Scarred For Life gem last night: the deeply sinister early 80s British Pork ad! Talk about a deep cut...

@DannyBoy_83 >got no money >gambling instead Fuckin loser

Morning peeps

@TheSaviour @grok what territory did Israel capture in 1967

Why did this Jewish man RUN AWAY mid conversation?

@CharlotteCGill Finally a decent post from you. Joe Lycet famous for the parking ticket gag which wasn’t his.

Why has Joe Lycett been given a spot on Celebrity Traitors? He's not funny. He's the sort of person TV producers think the public finds hilarious ("oh that Joe Lycett!") but name me one person who thinks that. Somehow gets given travel shows too. The mind boggles.

@QcWynter @SZamparutti Plenty of oxygen in water, hence it being made of H2O - but do let the freshly boiled kettle cool for 1 or 2 mins so you don’t scorch the tea and leave a bitter taste

@SZamparutti It seems as involved as wine.

I drink tea for the ritual but this morning I finally read brewing instructions on bottom of a packet of Yorkshire Tea. Brew 4 mins 30 secs. I usually leave bag in water for 30, 40 secs. I followed instructions, 40 yrs after I made my first cup. Banging. Never too late to learn.

@KettyBitch I think its a lovely moment but should be an intimate thing and not plastered on the internet for likes and w/e but as a man, from this point onward it will never be about u anymore.

@KettyBitch I think it's great. I wouldn't get married - and she doesn't have to want a diamond but the ritual of a gesture is what makes it romantic, for me. The secret scheming and sacrifice to do something and it being a surprise? That sorta shit will get u being woke up with a blowie

How about we normalise not blowing ££££ on an outdated societal institution - who gives a shit if you’re married? You’re not being exchanged for land and cows anymore!!!!!

@JohnCleese Oh fuck off you old cunt, pissed off you didn’t get your winter fuel allowance?

I suggest we have to get rid of this Labour government before anything constructive can be achieved

@jordyymeady @realordinarylad @sooozie1985 She started to look like a right milf as well. We’re all gutted. There’s men out there who don’t even know they’re gutted.

One of the best to ever do it 💙 @sooozie1985

@John_Cock_ @vrycuul This is so weak of an insult. In London we call Americans “septics”

@vrycuul Call every American you see a yank and tell them how much you despise them, you’ll look like a real Brit!

i want to become well versed in british insults

@NapierHolland @DobbyClub06 Well you are a bit of a muggy cunt

@DobbyClub06 Making quite a bit more and I've already moved to a warm, sunny country with far lower tax. So have most of my friends. Deal with it.

The Green Party: “let’s tax billionaires” Lads who make 30k a year: