Charlie Don’t Surf

There might not be any cricket for a while but I could listen to the noise that stump makes all summer long

@ShippersUnbound I’d never heard it applied to someone who isn’t Owen Jones before but it seems very appropriate in this instance

I can honestly say I’ve had more feedback about the use of “shitweasel” in this piece than at any time since someone used “cockwomble” in a quote when I was at the Sunday Timee. Now read the piece which is gripping Westminster: spectator.com/article/its-wo…

@afneil Liz Kendall was strangely evasive last week when asked repeatedly by @MattChorley why she didn’t use AI at work. Has she been asking ChatGPT how to remove a Labour leader and she’s scared someone will find out?

Wow. £500,000 in funding for AI in Barnsley to make it our first “Tech town”. That’ll have them shaking in their shoes in Silicon Valley. Why is the BBC fronting this state propaganda instead of exposing it for the pathetic performative nonsense it is? BBC viewers deserve better. Barnsley deserves much better. @OneShow

@mollygiles2015 The influencer will be portrayed as a Morris dancing, real ale enthusiast trying to recruit youngsters to his far right cause and the synagogues will be replaced with another type of religious building.

"The only chance we've got of winging this is if the Queen miraculously appears on her 100th birthday and does a pole dance in parliament surrounded by a choir of Green Party activists handing out crack cocaine and singing "Allahu Akbar" to the tune of Oops Upside Your Head".

@soniasodha Agreeing to serve in Corbyn's shadow cabinet while his colleagues with integrity retreated to the back benches

What were the early signs Keir Starmer had very bad judgment? Some might say it was in 2021 where he said it was "wrong" to say "only women have a cervix". A stupid and cowardly thing to say.

@thesundaysport Hope he didn't let his house out while he's been in 10 Downing Street as under the Renters' Rights Act he introduced he won't be able to kick the tenants out

Look at it this way. Soon enough, Starmer will have time to repaint that back door.

@residentadviser Mediocrity is a prerequisite for being DPP and he's over qualified in that regard

Never mind Prime Minister, how tf did this guy become DPP?

@ShippersUnbound @7nestingwrens Not so forensic now is he?

In very polite terms Robbins accuses Starmer of a “dangerous misunderstanding” of the vetting process

@Steven_Swinford We’re a banana republic without the good weather

***BREAKING*** Sir Keir Starmer considered giving Matthew Doyle an ambassadorship, Sir Olly Robbins reveals He says that in March 2025 Number 10 initiated discussions with him about finding an opportunity for Doyle, who was then the prime minister's director of communications He says he was under 'strict instructions' not to discuss it with David Lammy, the foreign secretary He said he found it hard to explain to colleagues what Doyle's credentials would be for a senior mission role. He says he felt uncomfortable about it and that it would have been hard to defend Doyle was elevated to the Lords. My colleague @Gabriel_Pogrund subsequently revealed that he publicly supported a sex offender after he had been charged

@Iromg That will be the second Labour Party leader she’s nailed then.

Diane Abbott just nailed the Prime Minister. That’s how much trouble he is in…

@MrTCHarris Listen to his interview with Matt Chorley on 5 Live on Friday afternoon. His performance was embarrassing

Yeah, I would have prevented anyone replying if I had written this too.

@HannahIamthest1 @tonymc39 31. Even if your house has multiple unused spare rooms if you have an argument with your wife you’ll end up sleeping on the sofa in the living room.

Things I have learned from the movies" Having watched hundreds of movies, they have taught me many things that I would like to share with you today: 1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. 3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. 6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. 8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. 11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. 12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. 13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. 14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 15. All single women have a cat. 16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. 18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. 19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. 20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. 21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. 22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. 24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. 27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

This is the guy who on Friday afternoon on 5 live said Keir Starmer was too busy dealing with a war that hadn’t started yet and of which he was unaware of to have asked any basic questions about Mandelson’s vetting. Now that was a car crash interview.

@JackieKirkham8 @ASK_des @TomHayesBmouth He had a car crash interview with Matt Chorley on Friday as well - kept saying Starmer was too busy dealing with a war that hadn’t started yet and of which he was unaware in February to ask any questions about Madelson.

@TomHayesBmouth you try to take us for fools with your pathetic gaslighting today on the CT show today but we see right through all the #labourlies

@benryanwriter Owen Jones calling someone “a bad journalist” is like Fred West criticising a builder for laying a lumpy patio.

Owen Jones is mad that I observed he: 1) Focused solely on outcomes within Russia in his diatribe against the fall of the USSR. 2) Did not observe the benefits to other nations, such as the Baltics or Poland. So he suggested I thought Poland was part of the USSR, which I do not think and did not state or imply. Then he called me "a bit dim." I find it hard to understand how someone who behaves this way in public is taken seriously as a major intellectual.

@anon_opin It would be Kingy McKingface

If Andrew does lose his place in the line of succession, then there should be a referundem as to who takes his place.

@ShippersUnbound @adamboultonTABB No wonder he didn’t know anything about Savile when he was DPP. Either he’s the most incurious man or he always wants plausible deniability

Correct

@ArchRose90 They’re only doing it because they’ve got a massive chubby for Ange

Brutal front page for Keir Starmer. The fact that it’s the Labour-supporting Independent just makes it better. 🔥

@MattChorley @bbc5live @theJeremyVine @susie_dent @leicesterliz Great questioning of Tom Hayes today. You had him on the ropes and didn’t let him get away with his ridiculous excuse that Starmer didn’t ask any questions about Mandelson because he was too busy dealing with a war that hadn’t even started.

On your @bbc5live @theJeremyVine on Vine @susie_dent on “toodlepip” @leicesterliz in a driverless car Plus the latest on Mandelson, the First Past The Post quiz, and the politics of lawns

@afneil @Mike_Fabricant Didn’t know about Mandy, didn’t know about Savile….Nothing sticks to Teflon Keir as he never looks further than the end of his nose. Which muppet first described him as forensic?

We now have the Government response: Neither the PM nor 10 Downing Street nor the Cabinet Office knew the Foreign Office had decided to ignore the fact Mandelson had failed his security vetting. Call it the ‘know-nothing’ government. But it leaves a major question unanswered: why would the FO take it on itself to make such a huge judgement call — and not inform/consult Downing Street? What was in it for the FO? It hadn’t even necessarily wanted Mandy, unlike Starmer and the 10 Downing Street operation. Doesn’t add up.