Andy Pethick

@RosieisaHolt Thank the Lord he wasn't Prime Minister when his parents migrated, poor things might have ended up in Rwanda. (In fairness, that could have happened anyway if they'd flown Ryanair).

This is so moving. Rishi Sunak had to go without “sky TV” growing up. I hope this now silences the haters who finally realise why it was so important the PM left D Day early. He had to tell his truth.

Rishi Sunak will surely be investigated for links to a Far-East betting syndicate for being this hopeless. Tomorrow he’ll say ‘if elected, I will personally kick David Attenborough right in the bollocks’.

@JonathanPieNews If only the Government hadn't lifted those pesky energy caps. I bet they're kicking themselves now, well, you know, hindsight and all that... #sarcasm #pissedofftothebackteeth #morallybankruptne'erdowells

Never forget, the companies who supply us with essential services do not give even the tiniest sniff of a shit about their customers.

@MichaelOFarrel6 @1968Tv Likewise 👍

@1968Tv A great player I always thought he was known as chippy because of his skills with a football!

Happy Birthday to former Arsenal, West Ham and Rep Of Ireland midfielder Liam ‘Chippy’ Brady. Nicknamed ‘Chippy’ because of his love of Fish & Chips! #Arsenal #WHUFC #Ireland

@GNev2 Just Listen to yourself, you hideous moron. Ffs, learn some self respect, if nothing else.

Liar

@10DowningStreet @RishiSunak Well, as it worked so well criminalising drugs, why not?

Yesterday, PM @RishiSunak announced plans to create a ‘smokefree generation.’ This will mean it will be an offence for anyone born on or after 1 January 2009 to be sold cigarettes in England, protecting an entire generation of young people from the harms of smoking.

@GNev2 Oh my giddy Aunt.

My goodness gracious me!

@BecSchuster @theglitch_se1 @lynseybinsey @MarianasBits Have a great night Rebecca! Shame I can't get there to see you perform.

So excited to be performing part of my solo show (working title Chatterbrain) tomorrow! Sat Sep 16, 8:30pm at @theglitch_se1. It's a double bill comedy show with @lynseybinsey. Pop on down and see how things are coming along! 🎟️ tinyurl.com/ComedyDoubleWh… 📸 @MarianasBits

@JolyonMaugham WE didn't!

The problem is that their reporters, editors and owner find it hard to accept that most of us are flawed, and can’t live up to the high moral values, devotion to the absolute truth and extreme chastity represented by The Sun.

@prodnose Really?

Everything rotten in Britain stems from this period. Everything. Landlord rents. Shit in the rivers. Zero work hours. No British industry. Gas, electric bills through the roof, No affordable housing. All of it.

@Femi_Sorry Oh my F*****g Lord! How the hell does he tie his own shoelaces?

Absolutely F*****G INCREDIBLE! Rishi Sunak just spent 2 minutes boasting about how Northern Ireland is the "most exciting exciting investment zone on the planet" because it has full access to the UK and EU market... You know... like we did before Brexit! #WindsorFramework

I see Gareth's gone gung ho all out attack with just the 3 holding midfielders. Maybe needs to shore things up at half time by bringing on Ramsdale and Pope to sit alongside Pickford.

This time next year there will be millions of people going « I never liked him before, but credit where it’s due, Putin has been brilliant at the trials. And he was so brave with that eel. »

This obsession with ‘working hard’ and ‘hard working families’ is depressingly Victorian. We live in an age of machines that can do all that stuff for us. People should be having more diverse and more fulfilled lives, not grinding away until they die.

@JonathanPieNews Quinoa. Sounds refreshingly new and exotic, but no-one knows what the f**k it is.

If Truss was a rotting lettuce and Boris more an amusingly shaped parsnip, what is Rishi in the vegetable stakes?

Time estimates: “Give me one sec” - Within the hour “I’ll be one minute” - An hour or two “I’m on it” - Maybe today "In a bit" - Sometime this week “It’s on my list” - Perhaps this month "Leave it with me" - Possibly never “If I have time” - Never

I hope Liz Truss will now apologise to the school she said overlooked her potential

I have a joke about trickle down economics. 99% of you won’t ever get it.