Dan Wickes

I just found out a comedian I know finds it annoying how often I mention winning the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival. I on the other hand think it’s funny. And I know funny. It’s why I won the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival

Iran didn't count on our secret weapon: the free market. Right now, millions of Strait startups are working around the clock to completely change the way we think about narrow waterways.

@bcassano I’m doing roast battle at the mothership on Sunday

@dan_wickes Are you performing here?

I’m in Austin, Texas. I got out of a car playing Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and walking into a bar playing Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Every technical interview is either 1) what data structure would you use for a list where the items are linked? 2) implement the Google algorithm on a TI-84

AI is taking my job of hallucinating and harassing women on the internet

@RadishHarmers Asking Grok works 🤮

Twitter (pardon me, X) search is completely unusable now. You can type the exact words that appear in a post and it will not bring it up. I am far from the first to make this observation. Or am I? It's hard to tell.

And on the third day he rose again

If Netanyahu is really dead Trump should claim responsibility. He’d win 50 states

The Oscars have no credibility. They change their minds about who the best actor is every year.

Sorry everybody when I killed all those kids I didn’t think it would affect gas prices like that

Hey Donald, I know you like your targeted assassination attempts. Well there’s a leader of a middle eastern country who is causing a lot of instability and making you look very bad right now

they must have really wanted to take out that elementary school

@SenSchumer Fuck you

When I talked to Secretary Rubio, I implored him to be straight with Congress and the American people about the objectives of these strikes and what comes next. Iran must never be allowed to attain a nuclear weapon but the American people do not want another endless and costly war in the Middle East when there are so many problems at home. The administration has not provided Congress and the American people with critical details about the scope and immediacy of the threat. Confronting Iran’s malign regional activities, nuclear ambitions, and harsh oppression of the Iranian people demands American strength, resolve, regional coordination, and strategic clarity. Unfortunately, President Trump’s fitful cycles of lashing out and risking wider conflict are not a viable strategy. The administration must brief Congress, including an immediate all senators classified briefing and in public testimony, to answer these vital questions. The Senate should quickly return to session and reassert its constitutional duty by passing our resolution to enforce the War Powers Act. My prayers are with our brave American servicemembers.

It’s actually more meaningful to be unfunny and force people to laugh. Anyone can make people laugh when they’re being funny

I can’t believe our officers are busy playing Candy Crush when they should be arresting people for a snowball fight

Tourrettes is in the news, and as someone with Tourrettes I know what not to say

We need Eric Adams to make a video explaining all the dangerous things a child can fit in a snowball

I have the good kind of Tourette's where I just shout "the N word" and not the actual word.

@RadishHarmers Lmao

I understand how a non-racist could know of the N word. They could have read it in classic text "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn". But what's damning is knowing how to pronounce it. That goes beyond mere academic well-readness. Such knowledge can only be found on the street.