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@JoanneMason11 @artsygirl20 @hdighn @rh_thompson @Pork_the_swine Spare the kitty! We're playing darts later.
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MDub, Pete's humanⓂ️
70K posts
MDub, Pete's humanⓂ️
@emmdub559
Late to a party to which he wasn't invited. Brought nachos anyway. Extroverted misanthrope. Pronouns: Up/Down/Charm/Strange. Capable of powerful drivel
A red county in CA Katılım Aralık 2017
1.1K Takip Edilen1.6K Takipçiler
@Junebagio @BrandonDonkey2 Is this in the same vein as "Is the Pope Catholic?"
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MDub, Pete's humanⓂ️ retweetledi
Old man gets on the train holding a tiny birthday cake like it contains state secrets.
cake got little strawberries on top, perfectly balanced, man guarding it with his life.
Conductor walking through tickets notices him.
Conductor: Ah, celebration today?
Old man smiles immediately.
Old man: My wife turns 79 today.
Couple nearby: Aw.
Conductor: That’s wonderful.
old man nodding proudly like he personally invented birthdays.
Then he says it very casually.
Old man: She forgot who I am three years ago.
entire atmosphere changes instantly.
train suddenly quieter than a library at midnight.
one guy slowly lowering his phone, woman pretending not to cry near the window.
Conductor pauses.
Conductor: …I’m sorry.
Old man looks down at the cake carefully adjusting it so it won’t tilt.
Old man: It’s alright.
small smile.
Old man: She still likes strawberries.
absolute emotional destruction.
salaryman across the aisle staring into another dimension, teenager removing headphones out of respect for the moment.
random child whispering:
Child: Grandpa loves her a lot.
Mother quietly: …yeah.
next station announcement comes on sounding weirdly emotional somehow.
train doors open.
nobody moves for a second.
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MDub, Pete's humanⓂ️ retweetledi
It’s imperative that we revert to STANDARD, not Daylight time, for two reasons, one of which you may have never considered.
You know the first: solar noon is closest to 12 o’clock all year. That means an equal number of hours before and after noon each day.
This also means earlier sunrises which are significantly better for establishing a healthy circadian rhythm.
The second reason is that nearly ONE THIRD of US counties are in the wrong timezone.
A significant swath of the country isn’t only an artificial hour ahead because of daylight time… but TWO HOURS ahead of true solar time.
Year-round daylight time, especially without recalibrating time zones, would establish this error permanently, affecting millions of Americans.
We should be letting the Sun dictate the day the way God made it. Arbitrary, artificial tampering would be worse for us all.
Fix the time zones and affix standard time.
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MDub, Pete's humanⓂ️ retweetledi
An old man is selling watermelons by the side of the road.
His sign reads:
1 for $3
3 for $10
A young man stops and buys one watermelon.
“That’ll be $3,” says the old man.
The young man then buys a second watermelon. And then a third.
After paying another $3 each time, the young man picks up his watermelons and starts to walk away.
Then he turns back, grinning proudly.
“Hey old man,” he says, “you realize I just bought three watermelons for $9 instead of $10? Maybe business isn’t your thing.”
The old man smiles and shakes his head.
“Funny… every time somebody comes by, they buy three watermelons instead of one… and then try to teach me business.”
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My first shot at Toad in the Hole inspired by @SamaHoole's tweet on the subject.
Yes, I know it's Memorial Day, I did all my grilling earlier this weekend
And English have Sacred Dead too
Snuck a piece of Yorkshire Pudding. It tasted like my childhood. I choked up a bit
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@Junebagio @emmdub559 I will also visit for you! Prayers always for our glorious dead who served our country selflessly
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@thechosenberg @epeterd916 I set the thermostat to 86 in the afternoon even when outside temps hit 105, BECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE HOME. Son needs a job and dad needs a hobby or something
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I'm trying to find a way for punctuation to fix this tweet without context, but I'm failing. This person is not, in fact, cooking people
Lincoln Banks@LincolnBanks6
@NixAshes Is it poor coded that I can out cook most people over an open fire in the mountains? Not sure how this works.—42 year old Boomer.
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@next_mom_up The cabin, so all the amenities. Had to do some repair & maintenance. Going to miss the cemetery tomorrow. Probably the first time in 10 years
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MDub, Pete's humanⓂ️ retweetledi
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, wou you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me it I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
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Well folks made it home and am in desperate need of a shower. Lol My cat is pissed even though I left Animal Planet on. Some wet food will fix that attitude problem. Didn’t quite make 3,000 miles. Thank you all so much for going on this journey with me.
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Joke's on this guy. The Angels don't HAVE any recent playoff opponents
Roberto Shenanigans@Rob_Shenanigans
This guy got the rules right. Yankees (given), Tigers, and Cubs
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It's funny because it's true
Henrick Johansson@compliantvc
A trolley is about to hit 5 people laying on the track You can redirect the car, but the other track has not yet reached regulatory approval or completed its 1 year environmental testing period, so operating a train car on it is a violation of transit regulations What do you do?
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@spongeworthy2 @DillowTalk2 I comfort myself with the knowledge that while portions are smaller in my advancing years, the food is better quality than what I was wolfing down in my 20s
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Ill take all of it off the plate.
THANKS!!!
Chad@braves2430
What are you taking Off the plate?
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@emmdub559 @DillowTalk2 It would take me 4 days to eat all that, but I would persevere.
I was once second to few in forkmanship, but these days I'm just a shadow of my former self. The torch has been passed to my son.
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@signulll If you, roughly speaking, convert 30 tortillas into restaurant sized servings of tortilla chips, you end up with about a dozen servings, maybe more. You plow through a dozen baskets of tortilla ships yourself?
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