Yvette Pistorio

Me: We have such great kids. Husband: 😳🙄 Me: *remebers the s*!t show that was bed time...* 🥂 #Parenthood #parenting #momlife

My 8-month-old slept past 5:30 a.m. today. I, on the other hand, have been up since 5:30 a.m. waiting for him to wake up...what do I do with all this free time?! 🤯 #parenting #momlife

@copymama Genius. I’d definitely go here 🙌🏻

*Opens restaurant where each item on the kids’ menu is 8 bites’ worth of food and costs $.93*

When your concealer is too light cause you got that tan going (by tan I mean red lobster face) so you can’t cover up the circles under your eyes and your kids keep waking up in the middle of the night. #TiredMama #parenting 😵

My toddler said she needed hanitizer to clean her hands. And I will forever call hand sanitizer, hanitizer! #ToddlerLife #parenting

Me: What do you want to be when you’re grown up? 3: Elsa. Me: I want to be a queen too. 3: There’s only one Elsa. You can be Anna. #parenting #toddlerlife

You know you live with a toddler when your toilet paper roll looks like this... 🤦🏻‍♀️ #toddlerlife #whyaretoddlerssodifficult instagram.com/p/Bllx1fOgEEPc…

@copymama 😂😂 Yes! And they insist on wearing their pig headband (part of their Halloween costume) any day of the year.

I love kids because they will straight up sit and read a book while wearing a zebra mask like it’s just another day at the office.

No one told me all of the negotiating skills I would need to parent a toddler... #parenting #toddlerlife #toddlernegotiator

2: Mama, you have something on your face. Me: What is it? 2: Those *points to nose and cheeks Me: Are they brown dots? 2: Yeah Me: Those are freckles 2: Can you get rid of them? Me: No 2: starts crying & asking why I didn’t have a complex about freckles until now #parenting

@copymama Or instead of “I love you,” it’s “Hi!” 🤷🏻‍♀️

5yo: Mommy 5yo: Mommy 5yo: Mommy 5yo: Mommy 5yo: Mommy 5yo: Mommy 5yo: Mommy 5yo: Mommy Me: WHAT????!?!? 5yo: I love you.

This. YES! twitter.com/Swishergirl24/…

If your toddler hasn’t sneezed in your face, are you even a parent?! #ToddlerLife #parenting #beingsickistheworst

@Lhlodder 🤣🤣🤣YES!! Why does it take that long to eat a hot dog?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Every meal with my kids is 15 hours long.

@sarcasticmommy4 Don’t forget the wine! But just like 1 or 2 glasses cause #parenting

Before kids: Cocktails, club hopping & impromptu getaways After kids: Coffee, laundry & urgent care

@sarcasticmommy4 Or the infamous, “I’m just resting my eyes.” Sure you are buddy 🙄

Him: Let’s watch a movie Me: ok Him: *snoring 2 minutes in* Me: *changes channel* Him: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I’M WATCHING THAT! Repeat for the rest of your life.

@ErinMFeldman Definitely should. It’s been too long!

@eveypistorio Yvette! We ought to catch up some time.

Definition of bribery: How to survive life with a toddler. #ToddlerLife #parenting #

@Six_Pack_Mom Which reminds me...I need toilet paper!!!!!

Weekly Grocery Shop Routine: *check fridge/pantry *write “EVERYTHING” on shopping list *arrive at store, forgetting list at home *wander store, buy random items *get home, order pizza for dinner, go back to store for toilet paper

2: Momma, I’m coming for you! Me: 😳😱 #toddlerlife #parenting