Frankzulla

Had that dream again where I'm a pterodactyl but can't fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a "terribledactyl" and dinosaur laugh at me.

Can’t believe the NFL trade deadline has come and gone and nobody accepted my pile of faded pogs to get Alvin Kamara in my bowling league.

Me, on a good hair day: The Universe is wise and just.

No place smells of lust and wasted dreams like the Panda Express parking lot.

Fuck yes I want to see a picture of your cat.

You see, this is Twitter. What we do here is exaggerate scenarios for comedic effect.

*quietly beatboxing as the cop reads me my rights

I knew you were coming so I baked a cake, but ate it before you got here, because I don’t like you.

This world is worth fighting for it. Don’t let the hate keep you down.

Logging onto Twitter and catching up with the news like HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Elon getting roasted on his own app is top tier entertainment.

Elon today

Frankly, I’m just glad I’m not the only one who crashed out this week.

My daughter has, so very generously, offered to keep the chips and candy in her room from now on so she can help me with my “snacking problem”

It was only a seven dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

Detective: Cause of death? Detective Bon Jovi, looking at suspect: SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME

Good lemonade should be more bitter than sweet, not sugar water with a lemon taste.

It’s lotion season y’all, stay hydrated

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn't automatically mean they can sing. EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?