🏴‍☠️ How YOU Doin 🏴‍☠️

I hope one day I can properly convey to her the effect her ass has on me, both physically and spiritually.

Can’t get your ducks in a row? Call Huey, Dewey, and Louie for a free consultation

A newly engaged neighbor asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

trying to flush 414,000 kitkat bars down the toilet as the cops are surrounding my house

Not riding your shopping cart to your car is the first sign of depression.

If I'm drunk and a pizza commercial comes on, you better get me a pizza.

why are you so obsessed with me? - me, talking to my bills

Have you tried making it way harder than it has to be?

The world went to shit when we stopped selling our souls for rock n’ roll.

when courage starts filling the void

sometimes what you believe is freedom, is nothing but a glorified prison of your own creation

Wish I had a Popeyes biscuit choking me like a good third date right now

I’m drunk. Which way do I swipe? Left for ick and right for dick?

I’m at drink# take my socks off and not my panties

Men are stupid but I like their body weight on top of me

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

You know, my house doesn't fill up with annoying fruit flies when I buy donuts.

I snaked a drain and now I know why my husband complains about our long hair so much.

I'm gonna name my next puppy Password123.

Is it just me or are 75% of y’all just stealing old tweets that only the other 25% of us are old enough to remember?

@futwolfhardware If you don't tell them, how will they ever know?

Me saying ‘Fuck’ about something I’m reading and immediately telling my dogs “It’s OK”, because they know that word is associated with getting into the garbage. Then explaining the many uses of the word fuck and how volume is involved… to dogs. Alone in a room with dogs.